I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I know I can orgasm because I have on my own before but every time I come close to it with my boyfriend, something just freezes. He is trying to be understanding about it, but we both end up feeling bad. I know it means a lot to that I can have pleasure with him, but it seems like the harder I try, the worse it gets. I don’t want my ability to have an orgasm mean everything about us and it is starting to feel that way. What can I do before this comes between us?

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I had the weirdest experience while making love to my partner the other night.  I was literally transported out of my body and felt like I was flying and in some other universe entirely.   I  was connected through him but also barely there.   I don’t know how or why it happened and even as I tried to explain it to him, it sounded ridiculous as the words came out of my mouth.   Have you ever heard of something like this and what does it mean? 

The experience you describe is referred to as both transcendent or sacred sex.  A research study on the phenomenon by Jenny Wade PhD is recorded in her book  Transcendent Sex: When Lovemaking opens the veil.   Earlier studies suggest that as many as one in twenty individuals have a transcendent experience and that over 80% of them keep the experience a secret even from their partners.   All of the people in Dr. Wade’s study had no previous experience or training in transcendent practices and most had no real language or framework to understand their experience.

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I have been with the same partner for many years and have tried to make our relationship work, but it seems like the longer I am with him the worse I feel about myself.   He makes fun of me when I say what I think and then thinks I am ridiculous because  “I can’t take a joke.”   We used to have some good conversations but now I can almost never find the right time to talk about anything.   I don’t want to leave but my life feels like it is closing in on me.  Any ideas?

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I have been with the same man for a couple of years and have always had some sensitivity with sex. We always use lubricant but even with that product, it still hurts sometimes when he comes in me too soon. The only thing that I know for sure is that when I have an orgasm before penetration, (which sometimes takes some time) I don’t have pain and can sometimes even have another one inside. Is this normal? 

Congratulations. You have hit upon one of the cardinal rules of female sexual pleasure, which is normal and yet remains relatively unknown. The clitoral orgasm is one of the easiest and most immediate sexual pleasures available to most women. Exploring the many different kinds of stimulation on this part of the body is both fun and rewarding. Consider the range of sensations available by mixing up soft, medium or hard pressure, vertical, diagonal or horizontal strokes and varying degrees of speed. Learning what feels good and can bring you to climax will not only open the door to understanding your sexual identity and preferences but will improve partnered activities for life.

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I have been out of my relationship almost as long as I was in it but I can’t seem to go on. I have dated a little, but am so afraid of being hurt again that I find some excuse to break it off before anything can happen- good or bad.  I feel like I am just going through the motions in my life. Why can’t I just accept my husband leaving me and move on?  Any ideas about how to re- start my life?

Thank you for sharing this very personal and challenging question that I believe is experienced by millions in one form or another.  Perhaps the most normal and least helpful response that we humans have to our emotional pain and fear is the habit of looking away or trying to suppress our feelings. Most of us are not trained or adept at dealing with the fear, rejection and pain that life and relationships often present. Emotional injuries from childhood that were never processed become silent filters that impact how we perceive and understand our entire lives.

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I have been with my partner for over ten years. Our sexual relationship has been  positive and balanced until this last year when my wife’s sex drive has dropped to almost nothing. I am afraid to even bring up the topic because it just turns the rest of our relationship sour for days.   I know that this is not a fidelity issue, but I don’t know what to do. I am not ready to give up my sexual life and my sexual frustration can make me insensitive and even mean sometimes. What can I do?

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My teenage daughter has become sexually active recently and in a passing comment she told me that all her friends think that oral sex is the safest sex they could have and that they feel like it doesn’t even count as real sex. What are the health risks associated with oral sex and are there any precautions short of “just say no” that can make a difference?

It is true that many teenagers consider oral sex “safe sex” and not the real thing.  A recent survey of more than 12,000 teens aged 15-17, one third of both male and female respondents reported both giving and receiving oral sex.  By the age of 18-20 the percentages jump to 2/3.  Another recent study published in the Journal of Pediatric Psychology surveyed a group of 10th graders about their thoughts and perceptions on sex.  The survey found teenagers were having oral sex more often than intercourse and with many more partners. The majority of the teens surveyed said they did not use condoms during oral sex.

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I have been married for a few years and I increasingly feel a distance between me and my husband.   I grew up with divorced parents and really don’t want my marriage to end like that but I have no idea what to do to improve things.   I don’t want to lose him, but every time I try to talk to him about my feelings, he tells me things like I am overreacting and there is nothing wrong.   Do you have any ideas that I could use to strengthen my connection to my partner?

This is an important question and one that often doesn’t get asked until many couples reach a point of no return.  Statistically we have on of the highest fail rates at relationships in the world.   About half of first marriages fail in the U.S., as do two thirds of second marriages and three quarters of third marriages. We fail in large part because we enter into relationships with poor skills for maintaining them and highly unrealistic expectations.  The initial biological attraction that initiates most relationships is not a solid foundation to build a long term committed partnership.  Rather than learning about the significant qualities of the other, biological and sexual attraction can blind us to who we partner with.

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I admire people that are trying to make the world better.  It takes so much energy to pay attention and come to a clear understanding of the real issues and, as much opening, to come up with solutions. This is particularly true about sexual matters because we all carry around so much baggage, much of it invisible even to us.

It is surprisingly not uncommon to not know why you are behaving the way you do when you make dating and sex decisions.  Sadly, this lack of clarity is not limited to our youth. Such is the inspiration for the new Dating Confidential website that is part of a research study at the University of British Columbia.  It was launched by nurse & PhD candidate Cindy Masaro to better understand the behaviors and choices made by women who are older than 25 and are single, dating or in new relationships. The majority of research studies available focus on teen and college-age youth.  This lack of viable data is particularly disconcerting because the incidence of STIs in women over 30 is rising fast.

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