Archive for the 'Ask the Loveologist' Category

Four Ways to Increase the Love

Friday, May 11th, 2012

I have been married for a few years and I increasingly feel a distance between me and my husband.   I grew up with divorced parents and really don’t want my marriage to end like that but I have no idea what to do to improve things.   I don’t want to lose him, but every time I try to talk to him about my feelings, he tells me things like I am overreacting and there is nothing wrong.   Do you have any ideas that I could use to strengthen my connection to my partner?

This is an important question and one that often doesn’t get asked until many couples reach a point of no return.  Statistically we have on of the highest fail rates at relationships in the world.   About half of first marriages fail in the U.S., as do two thirds of second marriages and three quarters of third marriages. We fail in large part because we enter into relationships with poor skills for maintaining them and highly unrealistic expectations.  The initial biological attraction that initiates most relationships is not a solid foundation to build a long term committed partnership.  Rather than learning about the significant qualities of the other, biological and sexual attraction can blind us to who we partner with.

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Take One for the Team

Tuesday, February 28th, 2012

I admire people that are trying to make the world better.  It takes so much energy to pay attention and come to a clear understanding of the real issues and, as much opening, to come up with solutions. This is particularly true about sexual matters because we all carry around so much baggage, much of it invisible even to us.

It is surprisingly not uncommon to not know why you are behaving the way you do when you make dating and sex decisions.  Sadly, this lack of clarity is not limited to our youth. Such is the inspiration for the new Dating Confidential website that is part of a research study at the University of British Columbia.  It was launched by nurse & PhD candidate Cindy Masaro to better understand the behaviors and choices made by women who are older than 25 and are single, dating or in new relationships. The majority of research studies available focus on teen and college-age youth.  This lack of viable data is particularly disconcerting because the incidence of STIs in women over 30 is rising fast.

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Orgasm Inc: A Must See

Wednesday, February 1st, 2012

The United States is one of two countries in the world that allows pharmaceutical companies to advertise directly to consumers. This fact might well explain why the total US population, which represents only 5% of the total, consumes over 42% of all of the pharmaceutical drugs sold globally. It also provides a deep insight into how more and more normal human issues become “treatable” health conditions. This phenomenon of renaming life issues into treatable conditions has impacted everything from shyness to restless legs, yet, perhaps no single topic has garnered as much research attention or funding as what has now been diagnosed as Female Sexual Dysfunction.

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Curing Vaginal Atrophy Begins in the Mind

Tuesday, January 24th, 2012

Vaginal atrophy is a topic we often get calls about at Good Clean Love. I remember the first time someone called with a question about this condition that I didn’t yet know had a name, or worse still, was a syndrome that remarkably impacts at least 50% of post- menopausal women.  It’s prevalence is hard to track as is the impact it has on couple’s lives, because most women won’t discuss it, even with their physicians. Chronic and progressive vaginal atrophy has been referred to as  “the 21st century health issue impacting women’s quality of life.” You would think the fact that millions of women and couples deal with this issue would make it a more accessible topic, or at least one that merited researching solutions.

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Healthy Sexual Fantasies

Friday, December 30th, 2011

Recently I have been having crazy sexual fantasies while making love with my partner.  I don’t know if I should feel guilty or excited because when I just let them go, I get way more aroused and I can tell my partner is feeling it too.   I can’t get myself to tell my partner and I wonder if this is some form of cheating on him.   I am not always thinking of someone else, just other crazy scenarios.  Sometimes I am shocked by my own thoughts, like where did these come from?  What is your take on fantasies?  Do they hurt or help a relationship?

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Finding Love Begins Early

Friday, December 16th, 2011

I am confused.  A lot of my peers say that you should stay single in your twenties but yet they are all preoccupied with finding “the one .  How can you tell if the love relationship you are in is the one that is meant for you?   Are there signs to look for?   What should I keep in mind as I move through different relationships?   It seems like things have changed so much but also still are the same in many ways – what do you think has changed for the better or worse since you were in your twenties? 


You have good reason to be confused.  Love relationships for young people are more challenging than ever, in part because so many young people have witnessed the dissolution of  intimate relationships in their family at a rate which has far outpaced the majority of preceding generations. .  Watching older generations go through painful separations and experiencing instability during important developmental phases while growing up can make you doubt the viability and meaning  of committed relationships.

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Healing Through Sexual Fantasy

Tuesday, October 25th, 2011

I don’t know why I get so turned on by the things I do, which are so weird I am not even going to say what they are.  I have this same fantasies over and over again.  In fact, I can’ t even get turned on at all when I block my mind from thinking of this fantasy.  Then I just feel nothing.   I am so embarrassed I would never tell my partner about it.   What should I do?

Thanks for asking this important question. First thing to know is that everyone has sexual fantasies. Even people who have no consciousness about their sexuality and are completely cut off from their fantasies do in fact have them.  Most of us are mystified by our sexuality and your situation is not as unusual as it seems to you.  In our culture it is the norm for people to be uncomfortable with the strong sexual fantasies that drive their arousal and desire. This is why the first question people ask a sex therapist is “Am I normal?”  Many people are so overwhelmed, ashamed or afraid of their erotic selves that they repress their fantasy life entirely.

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A Good Fair Fight

Friday, October 7th, 2011

Every time I get into an argument with my partner it gets ugly.   It has gotten so that I don’t want to bring up anything that might start a disagreement because I don’t want to risk the abuse and old baggage that gets dragged through the mud again.  It’s almost like nothing is ever forgotten, just saved up for the next argument. It is making me avoid conversation at all, and it seems that the more avoid it, the wider the wall between us.  Is this what the end of a relationship looks like?

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Our Sex Life Keeps Getting Smaller

Tuesday, October 4th, 2011

I have been married  for over 10 years,  but my wife and I have an increasingly hard time communicating about sex.  She seems fine about it, but I am not.  I always thought we would grow sexually over time, but  our sex life just seems to get smaller. She has so many dislikes, like receiving oral, she says it will never happen.  I just don’t understand why.  Could you help me/us. I’m new to this getting help thing. You’re my first attempt.

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When Should I Have Sex?

Thursday, September 29th, 2011

I just started dating a new man and although I know that there aren’t really any hard and fast rules about how long you should wait to have sex,  I don’t know if you can tell me any kind of signs to look for that tells me that it’s too soon or for that matter too long to wait?  What kinds of precautions should you take before you open up your relationship to physical intimacy?

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