Archive for the 'Ask the Loveologist' Category

Q&A: How Much Sex is Enough Sex?

Wednesday, March 25th, 2009

Question:

How many times per week does a couple have sex if they have a healthy sex life? I have been with my boyfriend for almost 6 years, and we have sex at least 3 times a week. He does not fel like that is enough… sometimes it is more than 3 times. I am not as sexually driven as he is. I am a woman, 41. I feel like what sex drive I do have, he is diminishing when he expects me to want to have sex every day. I am probably never going to want to have sex everyday, and this is really taking an emotional toll on me.

Answer:
Frequency is one of many issues that couples face in sustaining their intimate life. For some couples who asks and who doesn’t is even more important. Libido and sex drive is different as we age and depending on gender. There are some who argue that a waiting period between sexual encounters is a really good thing. This has been true for myself and many couples that I know of. Three times per week is a healthy average. Having sex everyday carries other dangers like boredom and inattentiveness. It seems like a conversation about emotional and physical needs could go a long way in your relationship.

Exploring Anal Stimulation

Monday, November 3rd, 2008

Question:

Hi, I was wondering if you could please advise me if there is any safety concerns with anal masturbation. I have been getting more involved and trying different things, I find it very satisfying and much more exciting than vaginal or clitoral masturbation. I’ve had a lot of fun with vibrators, dildos, etc. but would like to experiment having an enema. Are they mainly for medical purposes or can they be a sexual stimulant? Also, I have a favorite little game I play when aroused. It involves filling a condom with sorbolene cream and tying a knot in the end forming a flexible soft dildo. Inserting this fully into a my well lubricated anus is just mind blowing. After a while, I insert my finger and penetrate the condom filling my rectum with the cream. Controlling the flow of cream out of the anus brings me to a most powerful orgasm known. Could you tell me if this is o.k. or should I take some safety precautions? Any advice would be great.

Answer:

Many men and women enjoy anal stimulation alone and/or with a partner, because it feels really good… when done correctly. However, with anal sex, there are important safety precautions to take. Since anal membranes are delicate, it is important you use lots and lots of lubricant. And, when inserting anything into your anus, make sure that the bottom is flared to avoid getting sucked into your body. Also, it’s important that anything that touches your anus not touch your vagina, or you could get a nasty infection.

As far as I know, there are no irritants or toxic chemicals in Sorbolene, so it should be O.K. And if you’re going to give yourself enemas, I recommend you use only warm water to avoid unnecessary irritation.

Re-establishing Trust

Monday, November 3rd, 2008

Question:

Three years ago I caught my husband cheating while I was pregnant with our third child. It was a one night stand with a girl he picked up in a bar. After three years of one lie after another I filed for divorce and moved out. This seemed to be the wake up call he needed and since then the lines of communication have really opened. The problem is that the things he is confessing to have left me disgusted and repulsed. There has been a long history of visits to strip clubs, bars and heavy drinking. He had a history of an STD in college I was previously unaware of. He swears he only cheated once but I find this very hard to believe. He is in the military and gone for extended periods of time and there is no way I would ever find out he was cheating if he was. He seems to have no qualms about lying to me or engaging in activities he knows would hurt me. He had one other serious relationship with a woman he cheated on throughout their entire relationship, then a series of casual sexual relationships until he met me. He claims he felt terrible about the one night stand, but admitted that two months later he was right back in a strip club with his friends, knowing that this was something I would be very upset about. He says he will stop “everything” that would make me upset, never cheat again, stay out of bars, etc. I just don’t know if I want to give him that chance and if I do how do I get over the repulsion I feel when I look at him?

Answer:

Trust is a sacred and important part of a relationship, and it needs to be earned. It is possible that your husband will stop his bad behavior, but re-earning your trust is going to take effort and time, and lots of it. Is he willing to do what it takes? Are you willing to take the risk to give him another chance? Considering your history together of dishonesty and betrayal, it’s understandable that you feel repulsed when you look at him. If you decide to stay with him, you both need to be aware that this kind of healing is a long, difficult process that is best accomplished with the help of a good relationship therapist. And that with couple’s therapy, many couples have been able to heal and even strengthen their relationship.

Sexomnia: Sleeping and Orgasms

Monday, November 3rd, 2008

Question:

My husband and I have been married 21 years and I have a low sex drive. However, he says that 2 or 3 times a month he wakes up to me masturbating. He says that sometimes I have very strong orgasms and I know this to be true as sometimes I wake up during the night or in the morning and my panties/sheets and/or hands have very obvious signs. Is it normal to do this in my sleep?

Answer:

You might be experiencing “sexomnia,”  which is considered a sleep disorder, but nothing to worry about. Or, you may just be having some really good dreams! Many men and women orgasm in their sleep, so in that respect it’s “normal”. However, I wonder if there is a different problem for you. You mention your “low sex drive”. Are you concerned or confused about the difference in your sexual desire between being awake and asleep? Do have these wonderful orgasms while awake? If not, would you like to? If so, what might be getting in the way of your desire while you’re awake? Some common libido killers include relationship problems, body-image issues, physical and/or psychological issues, etc. This is a good opportunity to discuss with your husband to explore ways to have these wonderful orgasms when awake, and to enhance your sex-life together.

Learning About Orgasm

Wednesday, June 18th, 2008

Question:

Hi, I am a 21-year-old female. I can’t seem to come when I have sex and that bothers my partner because he doesn’t think he’s done his part. I mean, it’s great sex but I just can’t come. What’s wrong with me?

Answer:

Thanks for this question. There is nothing wrong with you. This is an issue that effects millions of women. Not being able to orgasm is a problem for a third of all women. Of the women who do have orgasms, many women only orgasm occasionally and without really understanding why it works or doesn’t. Opening up to the experience of orgasm is a process and having a partner who is interested and supportive of your process is a gift.

Experiencing orgasm with another person requires trust- both in yourself and your partner. Sharing deep sexual pleasure requires a deep letting go and vulnerability. It is essential that your relationship feels safe. This is also an experience that you can’t force so trying to let go of worry and starting to feel all the sensations that happen in your sexual experiences is a good place to start.

Also keep in mind, that like any life skill, achieving a consistently pleasurable sex life takes practice and patience and education. There are many great books to give you ideas about enjoying your sexuality- so look around and find a book that feels like it speaks to your experience. Our website has many good choices.

Marriage and Pornography

Wednesday, June 18th, 2008

Question:

Thanks for your informative site. I am curious about what advice you give married couples about the use of pornography in erotic stimulation. What issues do you think are important to cover with giving advice to couples? What are your thoughts on pornography addiction and its affects on marriage?

Answer:

Great questions. First, one of the most important things to remember about porn is that it’s designed for sexual arousal, and is not meant to be a source of sexual information. Why? Because porn is based on fantasy. From the way the actors look to the way they have sex. Therefore, it’s important that you don’t compare yourself and/or your partner to porn stars, or you may feel “inadequate” rather than sexy. Many couples enjoy the erotic stimulation of pornography, and enjoy watching it together. So, if you and your partner like to watch porn, and it enhances your relationship… enjoy.

However, if your partner has compulsive or addictive behaviors around pornography, it can have an affect on your relationship. The best way to know if your partner has a problem is to assess if your relationship is being negatively affected. If your partner is less interested in having sex with you, spending too much time on the Internet, or less sexually present or responsive during sex, there may be a problem.

If you’re experiencing any of the above, I recommend seeking the help of an AASECT certified sex therapist (AASECT.ORG)

What is Healthy Sex in Marriage?

Tuesday, May 13th, 2008

Question:

My question is pretty vague! What does it look like to have a healthy sex life in marriage?

The background to my question is: My husband of 18 years is working on getting over a pornography addiction. I have some sexual abuse issues from childhood. So we are both messed up. Initially when we married I tried to be fun and sexy and would not get much response so I often felt rejected. He’d even say he wasn’t “visually or didn’t want it that often”. The porn addiction came to light 6 years into our marriage and I was crushed and really felt that the rejection was due to his addiction to porn. So we are again trying to recover from all this. We both admit that we have no idea what a healthy sex life is in marriage. Any clues you can give me?

Thanks. — L, NE

Answer:

You are asking several really important questions here. In all honesty some are much bigger than a single post can answer. My immediate response is that you aren’t alone. Lots of people are also coping with hurt feelings from sexual rejection, abusive histories and confusion with pornography. Our culture is awash in unhealthy images and messages about sexuality. It is no small wonder we can’t easily conjure up definitions of healthy sexuality, much less experience it.

If you aren’t already, be sure that you and your husband are seeing a sex-positive and Mating in Captivity knowledgeable therapist certified through AASECT. You can find one here. A good sex therapist can help you both unravel the past hurts and move towards the sexual relationship you want to have together.

So what does a sexually healthy adult look like? (And have any of us ever seen one?!) A sexually healthy adult feels good about his or her body, sexual desires and sexual responses and communicates openly about sexuality with their partner. Easier said than done! For most of us, this requires actively educating ourselves about sex and sexuality in order to undo the harm that people, media messages and myths of sexuality have done to us.

What does healthy sex look like in a marriage or relationship? Healthy sex in marriage (or in relationship) is when you and partner communicate about sex without fear of being shamed or shut down. It is when you both enjoy your own sexual response and you enjoy your partner’s sexual response. People often ask about how often they should have sex and what kind of sex “normal” people have. In truth, healthy sex doesn’t have to do with the activities or how often you do them. Healthy sex has everything to do with opening your hearts and minds to hear what you want sexually, and to hear what your partner wants, and to work towards finding ways to merge the two. Sometimes you just can’t get all your sexual needs met! That doesn’t mean the relationship is failing. It just means that people are learning how to be together. Some things are “deal-breakers.” Some aren’t.

Ok, an example is in order! Recently someone – let’s call her Craven for fun – told me that she would like to have sex three times a week but her partner prefers sex once a week. Together, they spent time talking about their different desires. They felt a little hurt or awkward at moments, but ultimately assured each other that they love and care for each other. They decided that a fun compromise would be for them to look forward to having sex once a week together, and for Craven to do something else that she likes – masturbating while her partner is watching – about once a week. Also, Craven gets to masturbate as much as she likes alone. It isn’t like she has to just sit on her hands and wait for her partner to “get in the mood!”

I offer this as an example of healthy sexuality because the couple felt comfortable talking about what they wanted sexually, and even though they didn’t want the same thing (how often does that really happen?) they found a compromise that meets their needs and also makes sure no one feels obliged, rejected or shamed.

Dear reader, I hope this is helpful. A book about healthy sexuality in marriage (and long-term monogamous relationships) that I particularly like is called “Mating in Captivity.” It might help to read this together with your husband to initiate these conversations.

The Female Ejaculation

Tuesday, May 13th, 2008
Question: I have a new partner who seems to pee when she is about to orgasm. She is really embarrassed about this, and I’m not sure what to do either. We’re really into each other and I don’t want this to hold us back from being sexual together! Any advice?
- Linda, 25, AR

Answer: This is great news!

It is time to celebrate, not worry. Most likely what your partner is experiencing a release of fluid called “female ejaculation.” Some studies suggest that about 40% of women may experience ejaculations while some sexuality experts think that all women can train themselves to ejaculate, given the chance.

Hot woman's handbook
What happens during ejaculation? The research isn’t completely clear on this. It appears that intense stimulation of the G-Spot with fingers, a toy or penis causes fluid to build up in the glands surrounding the urethra and then shoot out of the urethra during peak moments of pleasure. The fluid is clear and similar in make-up to semen, without the sperm, of course.


It isn’t dangerous to experience an ejaculation or to taste ejaculatory fluid although it does require some clean up. Many couples place a towel on the bed (or couch or table — wherever!) to avoid a messy clean-up. If you are practicing safer sex it is important to avoid contact with all genital fluids, including ejaculatory fluids. To learn more about safer sex between women see Planned Parenthood.
Gigi
If the fluid smells like urine then she may in fact have a problem with urinary incontinence. In that case, it is best to make an appointment with an urologist or gynecologist.

If you are interested in exploring the elusive G-Spot and learning more about female ejaculation then you might want to invest in a good G-Spot vibrator like the Gigi and a book on female anatomy and sexuality like The Hot Woman’s Handbook.

Happy exploring!

A Lack of Lubrication

Tuesday, May 13th, 2008
Question:
For the past month or so every time my husband and I have sex I can’t cum. What is wrong with me? There’s always a lack of natural lubrication. We also have a 3-month-old baby. Thanks.
–Melissa, 31, NM

Answer:
As a sexuality educator for Good Clean Love I get lots of questions about vaginal lubrication. Lots of women and their partners find vaginal lubrication rather enigmatic — and for good reason. Most textbook explanations of the “mechanics of sex” don’t mention it. Polite conversations steer clear of it. And frankly, lubrication as a symbol of desire and readiness for lovemaking is quite subtle; for example, it isn’t quite as obvious as its male counter part, an erection. But don’t let the subtlety of lubrication fool you. It plays a huge role in how women experience feelings of arousal and the physical sensations of lovemaking.

Without lubrication women can feel as if their desire must be low, or the actual sensation of touch can be irritating or even painful. The solution is actually pretty easy to find.

Melissa, you mention that you are a new mother. Lack of lubrication is a really normal experience for new mothers. For many women, the same hormones that help promote a healthy pregnancy and breast milk production also cause a lack of vaginal lubrication. This is natural and not cause for alarm. And it doesn’t require women to cease being intimate with their partners during and after a pregnancy.Lube

Throughout history women have used a variety of lubricants to help them ease into enjoying intimacy. The natural lubricants from Good Love Love are all edible and delicious. They are safe for latex condoms, toys and for use throughout pregnancy and breastfeeding, they are also 99.99% vegan, with no animal products or animal testing. And best of all, they create the lubrication that is so necessary for sexual touch to feel great, not ouchy.

Keep in mind that oftentimes the physiological issue of “not getting wet” is accompanied by a lack of sexual drive because our natural lubrication also acts as a sign that we are aroused. These body memories are stored deep in our psyche, and the good news is Good Clean Love lubricant can trigger them just as well as one’s natural lubrication.

Enjoy!