By Tina Tessina
Women value intimacy, safety for themselves and their children, and emotional connection. Therefore, they long for the following qualities in a man:
1. Good Judgment
Good judgment is important because it means you can count on this man to help you make good decisions. He will be balanced and think clearly about whatever needs to be done. When you know your partner has good judgment, you can relax and trust him to do the right thing. If he can trust you, too, then you have the ideal conditions for a working partnership.
Intelligence is important only to a point. There are various kinds of intelligence, and sometimes those who have a lot of academic credits are somewhat lacking in the good judgment we just discussed. You want someone smart enough to work well with you, and to handle what life hands you as a couple, but academic learning may not be the only way to tell. Intelligence, properly used, may help your partner to succeed in the world, and to make a better career. He may use his intelligence to succeed as a business owner, and of course, there’s the genetic heritage for your children.
3. Honest and Reliable
Someone who keeps his promises, takes responsibility, and won’t do things behind your back (unless it’s to buy you a surprise for your birthday) Reliability, responsibility and accountability will give him the strength of character he needs to keep his marriage vows and promises. Dependability and Integrity are very valuable in a marriage, because they mean your relationship will be based on honesty and trust. If there’s a problem that makes him dissatisfied in the relationship, he’ll be honest enough to tell you, and not just look for instant gratification outside the marriage.
4. Affection (separate from sex)
Affection is important to women, and often somewhat difficult for men. If your man has trouble showing affection, how will he be as a father? If he equates affection with sex, and cannot be affectionate without expecting sex, you might feel very dissatisfied in the marriage. Affection and kindness are the lubrication of a relationship. Being able to express positive feelings toward each other helps you get past awkward moments, recover from spats, and reassure each other that your love is still strong. It’s also a vital characteristic for both parents to be able to express to their children. Children raised in a combination of affection and discipline grow up secure and with a strong and balanced sense of self.
5. Financially Responsible
This is incredibly important, because financial irresponsibility, whether on the part of the woman or the man, will create life-long stress and deprivation. If he gambles money away, spends it on drugs or even just he latest tech toys, or you overspend, the relationship will not work. Running up big debts on credit cards, paying too much for luxury items or houses, lead to problems we can see all around us today. A marriage or living together relationship is actually a business as well as a romantic arrangement. Couples are supposed to have income and expenses, and wind up with a profit, which we call savings and equity. Two grown-up partners, who can manage their money well, will be able to create the life they want, support their children, prepare for the future, and have some left over for fun. Good money managers live within their means, and are more concerned about whether their purchases are sensible than whether they’re fashionable.
6. A grownup partner
Women want a man to be a grownup, not a little kid they have to remind, nag, cajole, and mother. They want an equal partner, one who pitches in without being asked, who feels responsible for more than just earning money.
7. Emotional support
In a good, loving, balanced partnership, each partner supports the other emotionally, giving comfort, sympathy, affection, support and help when needed.
What she wants in sex:
8. She wants you to care about her orgasms and satisfaction, to be helpful, and not to pressure her about it.
But the most important thing is that she feel appreciated rather than pressured. Learning to use a vibrator takes some of the pressure off your sex life. Use it as a toy, a fun thing, not as a necessity. Work together to talk through your fears. If she likes the vibrator better than your foreplay, learn to do what she likes. Make sure she feels loved by you, the vibrator can’t do that.
9. Communication is lubrication for women.
We’re hard-wired that way, and satisfying it is pretty easy. Just sit down and listen to her every day for a while. Listen, and don’t tell her what to do about it. Ask what she thinks she should do about it. That is the best sexual lubricant you can use with your partner.
10. To be turned on.
Men don’t need to persuade women about anything — it’s perceived as pressure. Instead, make it fun and rewarding. If you find out what turns her on, then you have the key to adding spice. The relationships is over when both of you no longer care enough to make an effort.
11. Keep the romance going.
Bring her flowers once in a while, gaze into her eyes and tell her how special she is to you. Ask for what you want. Don’t expect her to be your sexual “mommy” and take all the responsibility. It’s a partnership.
Dr. Tina Tessina, PhD http://www.tinatessina.com is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California, with over 30 years’ experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 13 books in 17 languages, including It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction (New Page); How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free (New Page); The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again (Wiley) and The Real 13th Step: Discovering Self-Confidence, Self-Reliance and Independence Beyond the Twelve Step Programs (New Page.) Her newest books are Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting About the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage and The Commuter Marriage. She publishes “Happiness Tips from Tina”, an e-mail newsletter, and the “Dr. Romance Blog” http://drromance.typepad.com/dr_romance_blog/ and has hosted “The Psyche Deli: delectable tidbits for the subconscious” a weekly hour long radio show. Online, she is “Dr. Romance” with columns at ThirdAge.com, Divorce360.com, Healthapalooza.com, and Yahoo!Personals, as well as a Redbook Love Network expert. Dr. Tessina guests frequently on radio, and such TV shows as “Oprah”, “Larry King Live” and ABC news. Follow her @tinatessina or www.facebook.com/tinatessina.