My Pseudo-Marriage

October 28th, 2011

by Elizabeth Spannuth

As anyone who has dated someone for more than a year knows, you invariably start getting some version of the question “Are you guys going to get married?” My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 4 years, living together for 2 of those, so we get this question periodically. My usual response is, “No, we’ve both done that before.” The funniest variation of this so far has been when my step-Dad very cautiously asked, “Is there a ring involved in your relationship?” I replied, “No, but there is a home theater system…” (He can’t fathom the depths of our combined nerdiness, so he couldn’t appreciate my response…)

This question can cause some uncomfortable moments for couples that have not discussed this, but that is not the case for us. Neither of us is focused on getting married or remarried as the case may be, since we are both divorced. We often joke about having a 9-year engagement just to confuse people. We love each other and are planning a life together; we just don’t feel the need to be married. He is definitely still more shell-shocked from his divorce than I am from mine. So much so that he used to go out of his way to trash the institution of marriage and stress how he would not be remarrying. My view on it is that I don’t feel the need to be married, but if I was with someone who did, I would consider it. The emotional part of me loves the romantic ideal of marriage that includes being together forever; however, the rational part of me knows everyone gets a 50/50 chance when they go into it.

Recently my “sweet thing,” as I call him, he has made several references to me as his wife and the other night he referred to his ex-wife as his “first wife.” It just made me smile. These little stumbles show me how much he has grown in the past few years. Getting him to call me his girlfriend was like pulling teeth and now I’ve made it to pseudo wife! No, this does not mean that I am booking a wedding band or a preacher. It means that his mental state on relationships has changed. He is no longer so embittered by the pain of his divorce that he can’t see how another relationship could be a positive experience. He can also now see that you don’t have to have a ceremony think of someone in the role of “wife”.

I was recently listening to The Intuitive View , hosted by Rachel Gordon, an intuitive consultant (psychic). She was discussing the topic of marriage, specifically how the spirit/divine realm views the earthly concept of marriage. According to her, the answer is they don’t! It turns out the piece of paper that formalizes a relationship in this 3-D realm is of no matter to the spirit realm. The question is do you have some kind of soul contract with that person; something that you need to work out together. This is true for any relationship, not just the romantic ones.

I sometimes joke that my first husband was my best friend from college. He was gay and we never had any kind of physical relationship, but we were so close and loved each other so much that it often felt like were married. We definitely had a soul contract with each other and helped each other work through loads of things.

My boyfriend and I were talking about our “married-like” relationship the other night and I told him that he would actually be my 3rd husband. He looked confused as I explained about my 1st pseudo-husband, but seemed to understand after a bit. So where do we go from here? I say skip the ceremony and move straight to the extravagant vacation to commemorate our married-like relationship. What can I say? I’m not into pomp and circumstance, but I dig a fancy vacation …

Elizabeth Spannuth believes in love as a driving force in our lives. She is continually amazed by the humor at work in the universe and approaches things with a wry witticism. She firmly believes that love takes many forms as she herself has had many different kinds of meaningful, relationships.  She has said “I do” and signed “I don’t” and thanks the powers that be for giving her the grace learn from every experience. She has a varied professional background that includes performing arts training, event planning, sales and marketing planning and execution and serving as a whipping girl in corporate America. She is currently the Love Evangelist at Good Clean Love.

7 Responses to “My Pseudo-Marriage”

  1. Jenkneefur Says:

    LOL! Yeah, 50/50 chance parties (aka:weddings!) are overrated.

    I love this line, “The funniest variation of this so far has been when my step-Dad very cautiously asked, “Is there a ring involved in your relationship?” I replied, “No, but there is a home theater system…” I laughed out loud–even at the risk of waking up my baby.

    Looking forward to more posts–I love your hilarious take on life. Your boyfriend is lucky to have you. I’m sure you keep him sane and happy!

  2. Linguim Says:

    You covered this idea rather well. Your ideas have caused me to rethink some of my personal views on this subject. You have a persuasive way of writing. Thank you.

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