When You Can't Love Yourself First

September 28th, 2006

It is hard to love anyone, when you are feeling no love for yourself. There are a million and one reasons that we all have every day to be disappointed with events and people around us.  It is not unusual to be in a circumstance where you feel like a victim of someone else’s doings… Inevitably, this becomes some kind of negative self talk that separates you from everyone- even the people you really love.

I have learned to tell my kids that I am not able to communicate in any positive way right now, and they have learned to go away for a bit. It’s definitely more peaceable than the old days when the feelings of self loathing and betrayal were so large in me, that I could do nothing but explode.  I am trying to learn how to live with the mistakes I make and not take out the feelings on those around me.  Tonight the task feels monumental.

For the first fifteen years of marriage, I expected my husband to somehow make me feel better when the demons of my own mind took over.  Often that was from some experience which made me feel like I had lost control.  I would be so mean to him because he couldn’t fix the problem.  It took years for me to understand that the problem wasn’t something external to fix, but rather learning how to live in myself, with myself.

I have been training  to be observant and conscious about how I am thinking because I am trying to build a love business and be a loveologist.  This is the way of the warrior, mindfulness, and ultimately the only loving, kind thing we can do for ourselves in the world.  I am able on some days to stay with the process and watch.  But some nights,  its just too much, better to go to bed and try again tomorrow.

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