“…You see things as you are.” This quote from the Talmud reflects truly how we live. Our filters of life events are always clouded by how we feel, what we are thinking, how we are judging in that moment. What is the objective view? We use scientific models of double blind studies as a standard, but how in our daily lives and relationships can we see beyond ourselves?
This is a question worth asking over and over again, because our relationships are impacted continuously by how we see ourselves. Recently I have been feeling anxious. It was more than a situational reaction, but less than some anxiety disorders that I know many people suffer from. It was like walking around in a dark cloud. And here in the northwest, there were plenty of dark clouds to accommodate my mood. The point of the story was that I tried to just stand watch and not go with the storyline, but the truth was that the feelings moving through me created everything I saw. The synaptic space between my anxiety and my worthlessness lived within the same impulse.
Thankfully I am beyond the place of blame. I no longer wait for someone else to cure my moods and I try not to hold my family hostage with them but they see the moods, or feel them as I move clumsily through the motions of meals and laundry and driving from event to event.
Here is the only answer I could come up with during these days of restlessness and fear. Look for the smallest sensory things that are true. Experience the world through the body- The changing color of leaves, the crisp scent in the air, the chill of the wind. Keep the interactions with the people you love brief and don’t believe you are not loved, just because you can’t love yourself.