Sex Blogs and Identity

January 25th, 2008

I was recently introduced to one of the prima sex bloggers. A mutual friend sent her some of my writing and she was intrigued. I hadn’t looked at her blog until today when she offered me a handout that she had written about how to become the sex blogger you have always dreamed of. She mentioned some of the bloggers that she liked to read also, so I went exploring and I realized again, why I write about love and sex the way I do and am not really a fit in the sex blog category.

The names of the bloggers she gave me were names like Sugarbutch, Funky Brown Chick or Jefferson so I asked her whether all the bloggers wrote anonymously. They all do, she told me, because bloggers have lost their jobs or been sued for their writing. When I looked at the writing I could see why they might not want everyone they know to know it was them writing.

I visited many blogs that were linked through the www.thesexcarnival.com and wondered again how I could be in the business of love products and so uncomfortable with the exhibitionist images and language that makes up the sex market. Even blogs called the happy marriage described the couples exploits in titillating images on the dining room table- lasting all night and then again the next day. You have to wonder just how far the comfort of anonymity can take someone, they used fake names, could the descriptions not be at least partly imaginary too? I mean how do married couples have the time to do that? I mean what about sleeping and jobs and grocery shopping?

Its not that the dining room scene didn’t intrigue me, or that some of the images papering the borders of the content didn’t remind me of some distant fantasy in my own late night wanderings, but there is a public/private line about sex that is very confusing in these sex blogs for me. And I don’t think it is just me, the line gets so pushed out of proportion, the exhibitionist adult industry takes up so much space in our culture that for many of us that don’t go there, finding access to fantasy and our own imagination that is not cluttered with other people’s voices/images is a more and more challenging place to find.

I am sure that reading about other people’s sex lives, real or imagined can turn on many a random stranger, but its nothing compared to the garden variety sex with someone who looks in your eyes with love when they penetrate you and finds your center.

3 Responses to “Sex Blogs and Identity”

  1. Cliff Etzel Says:

    One aspect I like about your postings Wendy is that there is a sense of authenticity in what you write. You write from the heart so to speak, and so I come back each time my google page has a new posting from your RSS feed. To me it sounds as though these bloggers write more graphic content – which can be a detriment instead of an asset. And the question needs to be asked – is what they post genuine or along the lines of the fake questions being asked like in my adolescent days of Playboy – just to bring in readership???

    It’s your authenticity that I have come to know you for – please don’t change it.

    Hope you’re keeping warm and happy friday! :D

  2. Patrice Swift Says:

    Wendy is the real deal. She speaks the truth about her own feelings and the things she has learned and wondered about and struggled with in her own relationship and in what she has learned from others. It is not about sex as much as it is about sex within the relationship between two people who are in love. And this is a very thorny topic because it encompasses so much stuff in all of us. But it is an honest subject and she is honest in how she talks about it.

    The thing Wendy said about how hard it is to get in touch with your own fantasies when you have all these other people’s voices and fantasies in your head from our culture is so true. And because so much “fantasy” is really based around the exploitation of women, it makes it even harder for authentic sexy thoughts and fantasies to feel good…to feel clean if you will! I think you just have to follow your heart and know what makes you feel uncomfortable and what turns you on….and then look into your lover’s eyes and trust. If you can do that and feel safe then all the outside static and inauthentic “sexploitation” can begin to fall away.

    This is the first time I have ever written a blog! On anything…much less this topic. So there you go.

    Having met Wendy and then enjoyed her products with my husband of 31 years, her thoughts and offerings on relationships have been amazing to me. It has enabled me to enjoy our sexual relationship in ways I never could. That is a gift. From my heart to yours, Wendy, you are a special and wonderful woman. Keep on writing and making those wonderful products.

    Patrice

  3. Steven Says:

    Yes – it is strange that you participate in the sex industry and are willing to ply wares that pertain to sexual practices and presumably gain income from the same, and at the same time exhibit unease with more explicit representations or descriptions of sexual acts.

    But atg the same time, it is to be expected.

    Our culture generally looks favorably upon the commodification and exploitation of almost anything (including sex) as long as its for profit. Our culture also habitually divides professional from personal life. And our culture has a default understanding of sex that is rather conservative – seeing sexuality as essentially a private and cloistered affair.

    So yes, its strange that you are making a living off sex-related products but are uncomfortable with explicit representations of it. But you are not unusual. This strangeness is endemic to our culture.

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