The Conversational Kiss

June 3rd, 2011

“A kiss can be a comma, a question mark or an exclamation point.  That’s basic spelling that every woman ought to know.” -Jeanne Bourgeois

 

If ever there was a communication mechanism that predicted the destiny and longevity of a romantic interlude, it is the kiss. What we say with our kisses, as well as how they are received and understood is the basis for all the sexual conversations that they initiate. The dynamics of a great kiss are multi-layered and complex, as the moment our lips meet a cascade of neural messages and chemicals are released in the brain that transmit multiple messages of intimate connection, sexual potential and even euphoria. Indeed, when we kiss deeply, our hearts beat faster and our breathing becomes deep and irregular, mimicking the response of intense exercise.

Indeed, the human art form of kissing has developed over millennia and our ancestors believed that the kiss carried the power to unite their souls, as they presumed that the spirit was carried on the breath. This is not surprising as our urge to kiss is at the root of our biological imperative to procreate. Our human form of kissing is related to some of the most primitive animal behaviors that we share with all mammals, which allow us to smell our mates to determine genetic compatibility. This is why it is impossible to imagine kissing someone who smells offensive to you. The primal scent attraction that happens or doesn’t in a first kiss is actually a biological safety mechanism that deters us from poor genetic matches.

Still, even where compatibility exists, many go unaware of the subtleties, which can turn kissing into the passionate art form that it is. One secret that transforms every kiss is the power of intention that every kiss holds. Kisses that are insincere or are demanding intimacy that doesn’t exist are visible for what they are. Whether it is a first kiss or the five thousandth kiss good bye, your kiss reveals you. You cannot hide your ambivalence inside of a kiss. There is no forcing in a kiss; although most of us can remember the unwelcome thrust of an un-invited tongue shoving its way in. The use of unnecessary force or the urge to pull away speaks volumes.

Approaching the art of kissing with the same goals we bring to cultivating meaningful conversation, clarifies both technique and intent. In fact, if you think of kissing as a way of communicating in ways that words can’t come close, the subtlety of good kissing technique comes clear. There are three primary elements that turn on a kissing conversation: breath, lips and tongue. One of the first essential discoveries in the art of kissing is that it should not be rushed. Just as a real conversation opens with the capacity to listen, the patient kisser is curious and their kisses demonstrate their sensitivity and understanding. Rushing in and trying to take control of the kiss screams amateur and pushes people away more often than pulling them in.

Employing the breath as a space holder and using it to connect to your partner conveys the deep connection that it cultivates. Breathing through your nose and allowing deeper breaths to align you with your partner is one way to get the connection deeply. Many tantric techniques rely only on synchronized breathing to create a mystical and profound unity. This slow attentive kissing can open the doorway to deep passion that may just leave you gasping for air. Our lips have the ability to give our kisses an enormous vocabulary. The human lips are covered with thousands of nerve endings and have the ability to communicate soft opening as well as firm control. Experiment with softening your lips even for a short kiss and see how that changes the dialogue. Hard kisses with tight lips can be overwhelming even in the midst of serious passion. Soft open-mouth kisses invite your partner into a dialogue, which is the goal. Feel for response. Open-mouthed kissing can teach you a lot about opening to relationships: about how to avoid forcing things, as well as giving both partners the opportunity to be active participants choosing their unspoken words.

The agile tongue can speak volumes in a kiss. Unfortunately, many people misunderstand the French kiss is as a simple insertion of their tongue in the mouth of their partner. Nothing can kill a kissing mood faster than a sloppy tongue in the midst of a tentative open-mouth kissing conversation. Consider the tongue as your diplomat, and just like in a good conversationalist, use the tongue judiciously to communicate interest, curiosity and intrigue. A light tongue tracing the lips, quick darting meeting of tongues in the center of open lips is incredibly exciting and will open the conversation to new levels.

Developing the artistic capacity to communicate with kisses will not only enhance the physical intimacy that you share but you will be surprised at how much safer and more open your verbal conversations will become.

 

2 Responses to “The Conversational Kiss”

  1. Nancy Campbell Hanks Says:

    For decades I have provided professional sex therapy to women and their intimate partners. As a sensual introduction to another person, kissing has profound predictive abilities. Great kissing (or kissers)generally foretells a future of passionate compatibility and lovemaking. Notice the red flag waving if you encounter an individual who clearly dislikes kissing or finds it repulsive. Embrace the lover whose lips inspire lingering memories of pleasure and erotic anticipation. Great article!

  2. Andrea Lyons Says:

    Wonderful article – I’m tuned in and turned on just reading it! I will definitely share this with my audience – excellent technique and instruction, too. Thank you!

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