The ability to orgasm remains one of the most coveted and yet misunderstood human experiences there is- partly because we wrongly believe that it is an experience of the genitals, when in fact our ability to climax reverberates throughout the body and initiates deep in the brain. So here I present to you a user friendly guide to the order of operations that, with a unique blend of practice and letting go will move most everybody from arousal to orgasm.
1. Arousal precedes desire
Give up the idea that you need desire to begin your sexual experiences. The truth is that waking up your arousal mechanism in the limbic area of the brain where our olfactory bulb intersects with our emotional processing, our memory and our sexuality is the open door. All the great lovers throughout history depended on their sense of smell to trigger their sexual impulses. Consider Josephine who didn’t wash for a week at Napoleon’s request. Notice what scents turn you on and surround yourself with them in proximity to your bedroom. I always advocate for essential scents that are derived from the source because they actually change your brain chemistry, but hey, if Axe gel is your thing, go for it.
2. Arousal loves glide
Early in life, the link between genital secretions and arousal could surprise us. Tapping into this deep association by applying healthy moisture is amazingly erotic. For that matter, slathering healthy oil on almost any body part will make it feel sexier. There is little that compares with the smooth glide of a hand over a well oiled hip, belly, or interior leg to awaken a natural arousal that lives in all of us. Likewise, the use of a healthy, clean lubricant, which mimics your own natural wetness will kick start the brain’s arousal mechanism in moments. This is particularly useful for the millions of women who do not have strong lubricating responses due to any number of conditions. Remembering what the body already knows is a direct path to arousal. Find something that works for you and use it generously.
3. Breath expresses arousal
Our arousal mechanism’s voice is our breath. There is little that will bring as much fire and focus to your sexual experience than adding the gift of your attention on your breathing while you touch someone you love. Notice whether your breathing pattern is short and fast or long and slow and try changing it to see what it does to your arousal. Experiment with an ancient tantric practice of synchronizing your breathing with someone else and encounter how deep connection can become a sure path to orgasmic pleasure.
4. Arousal needs motion
Bodies are built for motion and nowhere more so than in the dance of arousal. Although this might seem like stating the obvious, many people’s sexual anxiety freezes them into a single position. Feel for how arousal can move through your entire body and don’t content yourself with the standard hip thrusts as sexual motion. Erogenous zones that speak the arousal language can be discovered at the nape of a neck, an inner thigh, mid back. If you have no other inspiration than this, add some core strengthening to your daily routines and experience the orgasmic potential of holding onto your lover from the inside. Keeping arousal moving is very sexy.
5. Arousal flourishes with fantasy
Being willing to witness the fantasies that surface in your mind during arousal by yourself or with someone else can add a healthy juice to your arousal mechanism. Many people are afraid of the strange, fantastical thoughts that arousal evokes and spend a lot of energy trying to shut them down. Mostly, that kills the presence you have in the moment and turns arousal off in favor of anxiety, which cannot coexist with pleasure in your brain. Witnessing your own fantasy life does not require that you share it or act it out. Getting comfortable with your own internal fantasies is a powerful and regenerating nourishment for the arousal mechanism.
One final note is that extending the space between arousal and orgasm is the art of lovemaking- so don’t be in a rush. The longer you get to know arousal, the sweeter and more powerful is the release.