Archive for the 'Diary' Category

Curiosity About Pleasure

Monday, May 16th, 2011

“The only thing about masturbation to be ashamed of is doing it badly.” –Sigmund Freud

If ever there were a place in life to allow our curiosity free reign, it would be in the realm of our sexual exploration. Becoming curious is a powerful antidote to both the fear and the shame that has long shadowed both the desire and experience of pleasure. Indeed, there are many sexual educators and therapists that consider the ability to self- pleasure as the cornerstone of sexual health. It’s not a stretch to consider that a large percentage of the sexual dysfunction that so many people suffer from might easily have begun with the shame and anxiety about touching oneself early in life. In fact, there is a clear correlation between the degree of guilt that early physical curiosity met and the ability to experience sexual pleasure in adult life.

Read the rest of this entry »

The Curative of Curiosity

Friday, May 6th, 2011

“Curiosity will conquer fear even more than bravery will.”  ~James Stephens

Perhaps the single most overlooked attribute that has the potential to transform a life is curiosity. An inborn trait that defines us as small children; it is through our eagerness to explore, desire to understand and to know our world and ourselves that predicts our capacity to learn, change and adapt. Our social network and the depth of the relationships within that network exist in proportion to our curiosity. Like most human attributes, our capacity for curiosity is developmental, which means that it will grow given the proper conditions.

Read the rest of this entry »

Taming the Wild Mind

Friday, April 29th, 2011

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.  Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.  It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.  It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.  And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.”   ~Marianne Williamson

The single most troubling idea that we absorb growing up in the western world is that the pursuit of happiness happens out there. Most of us spend much of our lives seeking something outside of us that will make us happy. Advertising lures us to purchase fast cars and the latest high tech phone or gadget among the millions of other marketing ploys that cement in us the tragic misunderstanding that our happiness is out there somewhere waiting for us. Most of these messages confuse us even further because the happiness that is sold is a paired happiness. We believe that our relationships, like the stuff they accompany will also make us happy.

Read the rest of this entry »

Becoming Fearless

Friday, April 22nd, 2011

“To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead.” -Bertrand Russell

I have come to believe that much of what parades as sexual dissatisfaction between couples is actually a manifestation of fear. Most people through no fault of their own have had little education concerning their sexuality or their access to pleasure. Laden as the topic is with shame and silence, most of us literally grope towards pleasure with our eyes closed, surprised that it happened and often unaware about how create it again. There are almost as many unique pairings of pleasure, shame and guilt as there are human relationships. To look at many romantic couplings, which are often full of fiery passion at the outset but completely tepid within a couple of years, one could readily conclude that committed relationships often serve to increase sexual discomfort rather than freeing us to explore and discover our potential for sexual pleasure.

Read the rest of this entry »

The Heart of a Happy Marriage

Friday, April 15th, 2011

“The world has grown suspicious of anything that looks like a happily married life.”  -Oscar Wilde

I know my marriage is an anomaly. Happy marriages are rare.  For as much as we all long for a relationship that we can grow old in, we don’t really believe in them. I think this might be because many people confuse the early “in love” experience of relating with the ongoing effort of creating a love that works. The confusion is not unwarranted as the experience of falling in love might be the most powerfully transformative lessons our heart learns. We become a better version of ourselves as our biological urge to pair drives us and gives us new eyes to see ourselves and our loved one. This softer vision through our hearts trumps tolerance with acceptance and even allows us to imagine letting go of things we have long held dear.

Read the rest of this entry »

Start Foreplay with the Dishes

Friday, April 8th, 2011

“I like hugs and I like kisses, but what I really love is help with the dishes!” ~Author Unknown

For years the most significant and unresolved conflict that lived between my husband and I had to do with the division of labor in our home.  In fact, this is one of the top mechanisms of dissatisfaction and ultimate destruction of many long-term partnerships. For most couples, establishing a balance to working through life’s responsibilities and details is the single largest predictor of relationship success and the clearest reflection of the overall dynamics of the relationship. When daily workload does not feel equitable or fair, the trust and intimacy in the entire relationship is affected.

Read the rest of this entry »

The Joke of Ashley Madison

Friday, April 1st, 2011

“He that jokes, confesses.”  -Italian Proverb

Indiscretion is no longer discreet. Gone are the days of clandestine meetings, sideways glances across an office or illicit gestures in a dark parking lot.  Now you can get those same thrills and more in your email box for only a $49 joining fee.  It seems too ridiculous to be true, but this is point we’ve reached- a multi-million dollar cash cow of a business that easily enables us to meet our perfect affair partner online. Read the rest of this entry »

Other Penetrating Ideas

Friday, March 25th, 2011

“The greatest mistake of penetration is not to have fallen short, but to have gone too far.” -Francois de la Rochefoucald

In recent years anal sex seems to have come out of the closet with more people, both gay and straight. More and more people are asking questions and admitting to having tried and liked it than ever before. This of course begs the question, are more people talking about anal sex or actually having it? The increased comfort of talking and thinking about anal sex probably began when pornographic films started including the act in all of their features and not just their hardcore versions.

The taboo around anal sex is deep and long-standing for heterosexual couples, although the practice is documented and depicted in both Egyptian and Roman civilizations.  The discussion amongst health care providers is almost non-existent, dating back to the late 30s in the Kinsey data, in which only 9% of respondents admitted to having had anal sex. The associations between anal sex and homosexuality have long been part of the homophobic prejudice that still fills the airwaves. Not long ago, Representative Nancy Elliot from Maine made some crude remarks about the practice as a justification against same sex unions.

Read the rest of this entry »

The Question of Size

Saturday, March 19th, 2011

“It is not the size of a man, but the size of his heart that matters.” -Evander Holyfield

The male sexual organs are a complex and well-orchestrated center of sensitivity and functionality. Unfortunately, rarely do the questions concerning this organ system evolve beyond the issue of size. The confusion between genital size and sexual satisfaction is perhaps one of the most damaging and rampant sexual myths on the planet. Teasing apart the insecurity and confidence that defines our sexual selves comes for both men and women through a maturing comfort with our bodies’ erotic instruments.

The anxiety that many, if not most, men feel about their penis size is as universal as the misconception that it is the penis that is the ringleader when it comes to sexual satisfaction and prowess. “We equate masculinity and power with penis size,” says Ira Sharlip, MD, clinical professor of urology at the University of California at San Francisco and president of the International Society for Sexual Medicine. “Of course, there’s really no relationship.” Still, Sharlip says, “all” of his patients want to increase their penis size.

Read the rest of this entry »

Developing the Core

Friday, March 11th, 2011

Those who think they have not time for bodily exercise will sooner or later have to find time for illness.”  ~Edward Stanley

If ever there were a part of the body that is underrated for the power and stability they bring to every aspect of life, it would be the hammock of musculature in the pelvis known as the pelvic floor. This group of muscles, ligaments and tendons is the literal foundation for the body core. Although the physiology is almost identical between genders, for women these structures hold up the reproductive organs, as well as the bladder. They are the internal structures that work with the deep abdominal and back muscles to create a sense of core strength.

Read the rest of this entry »