I didn’t realize when we first envisioned the Love Agent movement that we were actually creating an ongoing mechanism for relational breakthroughs until recently when it has became clear how challenging it is for our hundreds of love agents to go from being registered to engaged. I naively thought that our little love missions would become a simple self fulfilling prophecy as people experienced how enhancing their intimate connections makes their lives more satisfying and whole. I underestimated how becoming more loving in our lives actually represents a break through in our thinking. And that It isn’t just our busyness that keeps people from engaging as love agents, but rather our initial resistance to changing our thinking and our lack of practice in sustaining it.
Archive for the 'Making Love Sustainable' Category
I find myself sobbing in a bathroom stall in the Chicago airport on my way to a meeting across the country, thinking “has it really come to this?” Grief catches up to us in unexpected places and times. The airport bathroom scene was triggered by sitting near a young family with four kids on the plane I had just unboarded, recognizing the finality of my active mom days that has shaped my world for over 25 years. It occurred to me, as I walked the endless corridors between gates, that we spend the first half of life building, acquiring and creating what we are then required to let go of in the second half. On some moving walkway an emotional breakthroughs comes through me, unannounced like the change of the sudden thunderstorm over head, and I realize that this grief of mine is a privilege that I earned. This breakthrough in thinking lifted me and gratitude replaced my despair.
The truth is that we all fall short of our intentions a lot of the time, especially when it comes to our dedication to loving the people around us. We are blessed with these brilliant moments of inspiration that too often don’t come together in reality.
One of the most powerful antidotes to this pattern of unfulfilled love ideas is to share our commitment to become more loving with the people they care about most: See if this sweet reflection of sharing our loving intentions doesn’t inspire to get your love relationship signed up as Love Agents…
If you can’t clear your mind when you are about to have sex, don’t bother. Coming into bed with a head full of thoughts, any kind of thoughts- from to-do lists to insecurities to anticipation- will prevent you from the experience of engaging sex. Good sex demands one thing above all- your full presence; and orgasm specifically, is impossible to achieve when your brain is busy processing any old list of anxious or tedious thinking.
Perhaps the most salient recognition that we can make about our relationships is that we have no real control over what someone else receives from us, and moreover, often we are not even aware of how our love is transmitted to someone else. This explains the strange yet common phenomenon of long-term relationship’s endings and the surprising conversations, which demonstrate this very fact. Two people who inhabit a single relationship are often in two very different relationships.
“You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.” And yet, this is often the most challenging part of our development, coming to believe in our own lovability. Yet, when it comes down to it there is no other single more powerful fix to our relationships and even life in general than coming to a practice of loving ourselves.
Recently, I decided to try out a new yoga teacher and was forced to notice just how much resistance I had to changing my routine. In fact it took me weeks to actually finally get to that new studio. The first time was the hardest, but every week afterwards, required a little inner cajoling to go back. Adding something new to our routine is harder than it seems on first glance, and getting ourselves to change how we do our days takes concerted effort. In part, interrupting our routine requires that we literally change how we think and considering that for most of us, 95% of our thoughts are the same ones we had yesterday and the day before that, this is no small thing.
Celebrating the joys and successes of people we love is a more powerful glue of connection than providing support or consolation for life’s challenges and disappointments. Equally powerful are the small ways that we intentionally communicate to our partners how they hold a special place in our life and hearts. Ironically, this is where many relationships fall short. It was a Love Agent’s feedback that made me think about this simple, yet often overlooked aspect of loving someone else.
It takes a lot of courage to get what we want. It seems counterintuitive, but I witness how many people refuse the goodness coming towards them, the goodness that they created themselves. It’s like there is some default setting on our hearts that clicks off right when we get to the edge of what we have been striving for. In retrospect, we could go back to those moments and realize it would have been just one change of mind that would have altered the course of events. Getting to that different way of seeing and lifting the veils from our perspective is the most challenging, yet gratifying work in which we can engage. It is the way we change the fundamental feel of our life and it starts by saying yes.
For years now I have been writing in the hopes of inspiring people to love each other more, better and with greater passion. Often, my posts have been about how to get through the tough times, how to listen for the answer behind the words, and how to take responsibility for our own erotic selves. But reading words on a page and bringing those into action in one’s life is a big leap that many just don’t know how to take. Finally after months of planning we have launched the interactive platform to bring these ideas to life called the Love Agent Headquarters. Anyone can become a Love Agent, and so far we have close to 100 people signed up. My goal is multiply that by 100, because I know that the world will be a different place when there are 100,000 people actively working to love people that matter to them.