Archive for the 'Fire' Category

Outgrowing Our Sexual Adolescence

Friday, September 12th, 2014

gaymenfieldresized“Most people are mirrors, reflecting the moods and emotions of the times; few are windows, bringing light to bear on the dark corners where troubles fester. The whole purpose of education is to turn mirrors into windows.”  -Sydney Harris

 

We come into our erotic consciousness in our early adolescence. The process is mostly subconscious as the maturing brain establishes unique patterns of pleasurable stimuli, often in response to painful events or relationships that it is working to resolve. Like our fingerprints, or the subtle distinctions in our sense of smell, our arousal mechanism evolves outside of our control and often, to our surprise. It is no wonder that the first and often long-standing issue most of us begin our sexual journey with is – am I normal? As we come to know what turns us on, even in its most subtle forms, our sexuality pushes our boundaries of normalcy. Our sexual selves are the unique, wild streak in us that won’t be easily contained and whose full pleasure potential is achieved the less we try to control it. Since the Biblical verses in the Garden of Eden, human sexuality has been considered dangerous, serpent-like.

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Intimate Clarity

Friday, August 15th, 2014

IMG_6674“More important than the quest for certainty is the quest for clarity.”  -Francois Gautier

 

If you can’t clear your mind when you are about to have sex, don’t bother. Coming into bed with a head full of thoughts, any kind of thoughts- from to-do lists to insecurities to anticipation- will prevent you from the experience of engaging sex. Good sex demands one thing above all- your full presence; and orgasm specifically, is impossible to achieve when your brain is busy processing any old list of anxious or tedious thinking.

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Is it Sex for Love or Love for Sex?

Friday, May 16th, 2014

passion“We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.” -Tom Robbins

One of the most significant gaps between genders when it comes to love and sex is the truism that male energy opens to love through sexual connection and female energy is more apt to need love to ignite its sexuality. I remember well a conversation I had with another mother at the playground years ago, when I was urging her to not withhold her sexual response until she was satisfied with the loving attention she received from her mate. She looked at me shocked and said, “Why are you taking his side?” For me it wasn’t about sides, but rather the recognition that the more freely I loved my guy sexually, the more loving he became. It is an interesting and sometimes troubling chicken and egg conundrum that impacts most relationships and it is not definitively tied to specific gender orientation, as many homosexual couples fall into the same trap.

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Pushing the Boundaries: Exploring Intimate Noise

Friday, March 28th, 2014

IMG_6674“Sex is… perfectly natural. It’s something that’s pleasurable. It’s enjoyable and it enhances a relationship. So why don’t we learn as much as we can about it and become comfortable with ourselves as sexual human beings because we are all sexual?” -Sue Johanson

 

There is something deep and primal about the sounds that come from sex. Whether you are with a new partner or with someone you’ve been with for a long time, bringing primordial sounds into your lovemaking is one of the quickest ways to push the boundaries in your sex life. Not only is it fun to hear the purrs, growls, and sighs that come out of us during sexual contact, but it connects us to one another, brings a new level of vulnerability, and also confirms the animal inside all of us. Don’t be afraid of the tiger that exists inside- release it and see how it brings your relationship to a new level of intimacy.

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Finding Your Normal

Friday, March 14th, 2014

lesbianparkresized“I think that one should view with philosophic admiration the strange paths of the libido and should investigate the purposes of its circuitous ways. -Carl Jung

It does no good to wonder about whether you are normal sexually, yet still this is the first and primary question that plagues millions of people and probably provokes them into believing in the heteronormative qualities of sexuality, which are often taken for granted as the Holy Grail of how sex works, or at least, should work. These classic beliefs of dominance and submission, pleasure and obligation that were long ago attached to specific genders is a throwback to the Masters and Johnson information, which defined normal sexual activity for generations. This hierarchy also explains how and why, in the mid-century, Kinsey sexual studies reflected and uncovered how the truly wide range of normative sexual behavior was suppressed. In any case, our capacity for passionate human sexual contact and the accompanying healing release of orgasm is hampered by our insistence on categorizing and qualifying what is normal, even if only for ourselves.

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How Sex Cures Us

Friday, February 28th, 2014

sexy13resized“The way you make love is the way God will be with you.”  -Rumi

 

Everyone knows the power of makeup sex to sand down the remaining rough edges and offer a soothing balm of acceptance after painful breaks in relationships. Yet, rarely do we consider sexual intimacy as the transformative healing force in dealing with the overwhelming grief that comes with death. It hadn’t really occurred to me until recently when I was lost in the grievous regrets upon my father’s death and found myself reticent to tap into my own libido. Many of us are not skilled in the grieving process, and it can seem incompatible with sexual desire, even disrespectful of the loss itself. And yet, there is something deeply primeval in the connection between making love and death, as though all the procreative forces that have ever been contained in the act come together as a shield, protecting us from death’s promise while holding us firmly to the ground of life.

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Using Our Differences to Make Love

Friday, February 7th, 2014

gaykiss“To set up what you like against what you dislike, this is the disease of the mind.” -Sengcan

 

What we most love about someone, given enough time, we usually come to find repulsive. It is an odd but insistent phenomenon that moves through most all intimate relationships, usually at regular intervals. One useful way to think about this swinging attraction- rejection response is as an energy wave that can spark intrigue and curiosity, keeping your relationship alive and new.   Moving beyond the black and white reactions that both sides of the wave create and looking for ways to hold these opposing forces side by side not only leads to cultivating a mature, evolving capacity for love but also contains the seed of passionate intimacy.

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A Sexual Resolution: Becoming An Animal

Friday, January 24th, 2014

sexymarriedresized“Be no longer tender. Cover me with frenzied kisses, – even as I would drench my body in the cruel torrents of the rain. Envelop me from throat to ankle in delirium intolerable….” ~Blanche Shoemaker Wagstaff

 

The most unique and universal expressions of our humanity occur in the moments when we are most keyed in to our animal nature. Whether curled up in our sleep beside our lover or child, or ravaging a perfectly prepared meal, our most basic human needs show us as the animals we are.   This is most true in our fully embodied sexual moments; in fact I have found no other reasonable explanation for the human I become when I am utterly consumed in my sex drive. In all of these instances, the truth of our animal nature becomes clear- we don’t think our way into a nap, and trying to reason our way into our sexual selves is equally impossible. Whether it is sexual hunger or a rumbling belly, there is an abandoning of our cerebral selves, which our animal nature demands.

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Five Ways to Celebrate Presence with a Kiss

Friday, December 20th, 2013

bedcouple1“How did it happen that their lips came together? How does it happen that birds sing, that snow melts, that the rose unfolds, that the dawn whitens behind the stark shapes of trees on the quivering summit of the hill? A kiss, and all was said.” ~Victor Hugo

As the days of giving and receiving gifts come upon us,  let us not forget the true presence that most of our loved one’s crave from us may well be wrapped up within our lips and not a box.  Taking the time to deeply connect in the midst of holiday festivities creates the most memorable moments we enjoy in the holidays. And with or without the mistletoe, our kisses have the ability to communicate our true feelings, desire and intention better than anything we can buy or even say to those we love.  This is because kissing consumes the present moment and saturates our senses with the fullness of each other.  So here are a few tips to enjoy the holiday season to its fullest and jumpstart the New Year with new levels of passion.

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Seeking Grateful Sex

Wednesday, November 27th, 2013

sexy12resized“Sex is more than an act of pleasure, it’s the ability to be able to feel so close to a person, so connected, so comfortable that it’s almost breathtaking to the point you feel you can’t take it. And at this moment you’re a part of them.” –Unknown

There might not be two words that are better matched side by side than gratitude and sex. What moment more fully embodies gratitude than the deep and powerful pleasure of two bodies entwined in lovemaking? I believe that the universal desire to experience orgasm is more than seeking this crazy height of pleasure that bursts in us, but also recognizing with profound gratitude how our bodies are wired for love to work in us.  Recognizing gratitude as a visceral response is a natural outcome of sexuality, which like joy, ignites a burst of creative energy that heals and transforms.

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