Archive for the 'Fire' Category

How Sex Cures Us

Friday, February 28th, 2014

sexy13resized“The way you make love is the way God will be with you.”  -Rumi

 

Everyone knows the power of makeup sex to sand down the remaining rough edges and offer a soothing balm of acceptance after painful breaks in relationships. Yet, rarely do we consider sexual intimacy as the transformative healing force in dealing with the overwhelming grief that comes with death. It hadn’t really occurred to me until recently when I was lost in the grievous regrets upon my father’s death and found myself reticent to tap into my own libido. Many of us are not skilled in the grieving process, and it can seem incompatible with sexual desire, even disrespectful of the loss itself. And yet, there is something deeply primeval in the connection between making love and death, as though all the procreative forces that have ever been contained in the act come together as a shield, protecting us from death’s promise while holding us firmly to the ground of life.

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Using Our Differences to Make Love

Friday, February 7th, 2014

gaykiss“To set up what you like against what you dislike, this is the disease of the mind.” -Sengcan

 

What we most love about someone, given enough time, we usually come to find repulsive. It is an odd but insistent phenomenon that moves through most all intimate relationships, usually at regular intervals. One useful way to think about this swinging attraction- rejection response is as an energy wave that can spark intrigue and curiosity, keeping your relationship alive and new.   Moving beyond the black and white reactions that both sides of the wave create and looking for ways to hold these opposing forces side by side not only leads to cultivating a mature, evolving capacity for love but also contains the seed of passionate intimacy.

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A Sexual Resolution: Becoming An Animal

Friday, January 24th, 2014

sexymarriedresized“Be no longer tender. Cover me with frenzied kisses, – even as I would drench my body in the cruel torrents of the rain. Envelop me from throat to ankle in delirium intolerable….” ~Blanche Shoemaker Wagstaff

 

The most unique and universal expressions of our humanity occur in the moments when we are most keyed in to our animal nature. Whether curled up in our sleep beside our lover or child, or ravaging a perfectly prepared meal, our most basic human needs show us as the animals we are.   This is most true in our fully embodied sexual moments; in fact I have found no other reasonable explanation for the human I become when I am utterly consumed in my sex drive. In all of these instances, the truth of our animal nature becomes clear- we don’t think our way into a nap, and trying to reason our way into our sexual selves is equally impossible. Whether it is sexual hunger or a rumbling belly, there is an abandoning of our cerebral selves, which our animal nature demands.

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Five Ways to Celebrate Presence with a Kiss

Friday, December 20th, 2013

bedcouple1“How did it happen that their lips came together? How does it happen that birds sing, that snow melts, that the rose unfolds, that the dawn whitens behind the stark shapes of trees on the quivering summit of the hill? A kiss, and all was said.” ~Victor Hugo

As the days of giving and receiving gifts come upon us,  let us not forget the true presence that most of our loved one’s crave from us may well be wrapped up within our lips and not a box.  Taking the time to deeply connect in the midst of holiday festivities creates the most memorable moments we enjoy in the holidays. And with or without the mistletoe, our kisses have the ability to communicate our true feelings, desire and intention better than anything we can buy or even say to those we love.  This is because kissing consumes the present moment and saturates our senses with the fullness of each other.  So here are a few tips to enjoy the holiday season to its fullest and jumpstart the New Year with new levels of passion.

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Seeking Grateful Sex

Wednesday, November 27th, 2013

sexy12resized“Sex is more than an act of pleasure, it’s the ability to be able to feel so close to a person, so connected, so comfortable that it’s almost breathtaking to the point you feel you can’t take it. And at this moment you’re a part of them.” –Unknown

There might not be two words that are better matched side by side than gratitude and sex. What moment more fully embodies gratitude than the deep and powerful pleasure of two bodies entwined in lovemaking? I believe that the universal desire to experience orgasm is more than seeking this crazy height of pleasure that bursts in us, but also recognizing with profound gratitude how our bodies are wired for love to work in us.  Recognizing gratitude as a visceral response is a natural outcome of sexuality, which like joy, ignites a burst of creative energy that heals and transforms.

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3 Ways Gratitude Makes You Sexy

Friday, November 8th, 2013

middleagedcoupleresized“He who loves the world as his body may be entrusted with the empire.” -Lao Tzu

 

Sex appeal is the most vibrant form of gratitude that we embody. It is a magical alchemy of feeling good enough in your body that you can say yes to all the visceral and sensory life experiences that are the stuff of memory and the container of relationships. Trusting yourself to say yes is to open up to the constant change that life demands with confidence and ease.   Growing healthy intimate relationships is impossible without a capacity for gratitude. So try on one of these 3 simple sexy tips to color your sex appeal with gratitude and watch how quickly they will snowball into a passionate love affair with your life in and out of the bedroom.

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Foreplay’s Harvest

Friday, October 11th, 2013

passionhands“We must give more in order to get more. It is the generous giving of ourselves that produces the generous harvest.”  -Orison Swett Marden

 

It is not uncommon for me to get a random text from my kids’ teenaged friends inquiring about sexual issues. They are important questions that even with as few characters as these mini communications provide, are laced with anxiety and edged with a bit of desperation. They don’t know the terms for problems like premature ejaculation or inability to orgasm, and they think they are the only ones that have these problems. These text conversations sometimes fall off as abruptly as they begin, so I always try to leave each message with a reassuring tone- of how normal it is to have these questions and how brave it is to want to look for answers. One text that made me laugh out loud recently asked, “Does fingering even work???”

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Waking Up Our Sexual Dialogue

Friday, August 16th, 2013

ku-xlarge“Just because we don’t understand doesn’t mean that the explanation doesn’t exist.”  -Madeleine L’engle

 

My favorite thing to do is teach and last weekend I was lucky to have the chance to give a presentation to 50 physicians about working with their patients’ sexual dysfunction issues. I thought it would be easy- like falling off a log as I spend so much of my days thinking, researching and talking about ways to become more sexually healthy, but in fact I was surprised how much I still had to learn as I was obliged to organize my rambling knowledge into a cohesive 90 minute talk. It is daunting to cover the vast swaths of dysfunction that make up the landscape of so many people’s experience with their sexuality. Pain with sex is almost more common than not in a lifetime and the silence that overwhelms the symptoms makes healing through education all the more difficult.

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Freedom from Hookups

Friday, July 19th, 2013

sexycouple3resized“Romantic goals change from finding boyfriends to finding hook up buddies…a guy we don’t actually really like, but we think he is really attractive and hot and good in bed.”  -Student at U of Penn

I was in the liquor store yesterday, choosing between flavors of my favorite  Clear Creek brandies  when I went on to share my excitement about my purchase with the two 20 something guys behind the counter.  I said “this stuff  can really bring fire to a kiss and heat up your intimate life…”  To which he responded  “ I don’t have an intimate life.”   His co-worker joined in the conversation adding  “yeah being in love is so ten minutes ago.”    “But this is the time of your life for falling in love, I argued  this is what the 20s are for.”   Apparently not for this generation.

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Freeing our Fantasies

Friday, July 12th, 2013

remodel“Fantasy love is much better than reality love. Never doing it is very exciting. The most exciting attractions are between two opposites that never meet.”  -Andy Warhol

It all started with a leak under my refrigerator. Then it became clear that the entire wood floor needed replacing. After my contractor arrived it was agreed that that the cabinets would look even worse than they did next to a new floor, so that was going to be my part in the kitchen rehab. Before long, the kitchen was gutted and I am working alongside my contractor sanding and refinishing. What makes guys who can fix things so sexy? Contractors have always been one of my weak points. I can’t help but fall for guys who can turn my ideas into reality so easily. It seems like the power tools are part of their hands.

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