“Sex is more than an act of pleasure, it’s the ability to be able to feel so close to a person, so connected, so comfortable that it’s almost breathtaking to the point you feel you can’t take it. And at this moment you’re a part of them.” -Unknown

There is not another single human act that so fully embodies gratitude at its peak as the moments of profound lovemaking. This is where we know most deeply the sensation of gratitude, which at its best, is not a thought, but rather a visceral response. Like joy, gratitude is a creative burst of energy that springs from us, with a single purpose, to do good in the world. As we embody this profound change agent of connectivity, gratitude cracks our heart wide open and fills us up. We are loved. We are able to love. Dare to express this intense gratitude within the confines of your bedroom the next time it is flowing with your partner and be prepared for the most gratifying sex of your life.

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“Pleasure is the object, duty and the goal of all rational creatures.”  -Voltaire

Orgasm transforms our physical bodies into a vessel of energy. Our cellular physical boundaries fade as our bodies become the vehicle that transports us into experiences that connect us to universal energy, our spiritual source. Studies have confirmed that as many as one in twenty individuals experience a transcendent experience in orgasm. The range of experiences cited were unique and included a shift of space and time, including a sense of timelessness and vast emptiness,  a sense of electric light-filled bodies, and a transformation of self and other converging in intersecting paths of spirit and sexuality.

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“The great thing about getting older is that you don’t lose all the other ages you’ve been.”  –Madeleine L’Engle

Growing up your orgasmic potential is where the meaning of maturity gets really interesting. Befriending and relating to our erotic selves is a lifelong process that expands our relationship to pleasure and matures our access to and experience of orgasm. Like millions of other women, I learned from Betty Dodson  who was the first to describe the variety of orgasmic experiences that occur throughout our lifetime. Her groundbreaking work: Orgasms for Two, based on over thirty years of teaching, remains a classic guide for how orgasmic experience shapes us throughout our lives.

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“Orgasm is what happens when the body takes over.” -Betty Dodson

Our orgasmic potential begins with our capacity and curiosity to explore our arousal mechanism. Recent studies have actually demonstrated that working with your physical arousal response can actually instigate sexual desire, rather than the reverse of waiting for desire to jumpstart arousal. This is heartening news because tapping into and enlarging our capacity for arousal is no different than developing any other physical response. Our trained attention and willingness to practice ensures development.

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“The pleasure of living and the pleasure of the orgasm are identical. Extreme orgasm anxiety forms the basis of the general fear of life.” -Wilhelm Reich

Orgasm is the most intimate human expression of life force available to us, and whether you are among the lucky ones who know it as the physical height of your erotic experience or are among the many who are looking for the gate in, it is a currency that affects us all. The term “orgasm” is derived from the Greek word orga, which means explosion. Not surprisingly, most people describe their orgasm within this metaphor- as a burst of pleasure, bliss, emotional and/or physical release.

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Relationship Bootcamp Week Four

“There is no other physical act at our disposal that carries the physical, emotional and spiritual benefits of making love, especially with someone you love.” -Unknown

No one really understands sex, but if you are lucky, you get to spend years coming to grips with your erotic self and learning how to share and enhance the pleasure it brings. A good way to approach the topic is to think of our sexuality as an emergent rather than objective reality. That means we are willing to come to understand our sexuality and its meaning moment by moment, re-inventing it anew each and every time we are sexual. This is also helpful when we face fears of the unpredictable nature of the act itself. There is always the potential to be overwhelmed by the intensity of feelings that accompany it.

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“Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.” – Dr Seuss

Sexual desire issues are an integral part of long-term relationships. In the twenty-six years of my own marriage I have visited all sides of the desire fence .Whether it was wanting intimacy more than my partner and not feeling wanted by my partner or not wanting my partner or intimacy at all, each machination was painful and created ripples of injury throughout our entire relationship. The potential for rejection got to be so painful that not asking at all became the discomfort zone we lived in. At the time, I didn’t understand all the meaning that I attributed to our desire issues, I only knew the shame and dwindling self worth that felt suffocating each time we broached the topic.

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“Sex without foreplay is like song’s reff without intro.”  — Toba Beta

I have been grappling with the statistic that the average amount of foreplay that couples engage in is between 1-4 minutes, as reported on a recent Dr. Oz segment.

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“There is a secret about human love that is commonly overlooked: Receiving it is much more scary and threatening than giving it. How many times in your life have you been unable to let in someone’s love or even pushed it away? Much as we proclaim the wish to be truly loved, we are often afraid of that, and so find it difficult to open to love or let it all the way in.” –John Welwood

Most of us are not talented receivers when it comes to love. Whether or not we are able to give love has surprisingly little to do with its polar opposite of being able to open to the love coming towards us. We refuse the love we say we want when we complain about the packaging it arrives in. We refuse the lover we say we want when we blame them for what they are not. We refuse the love and the lover we say we want when we justify our refusal in the storylines of anger, guilt and inadequacy. In fact, most people when pushed to the edge of their refusal to receive love will admit to what may be the most painful universal wound of all – the belief that underneath it all we don’t deserve the love we say we want.

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“A kiss can be a comma, a question mark or an exclamation point.  That’s basic spelling that every woman ought to know.” -Jeanne Bourgeois

If ever there was a communication mechanism that predicted the destiny and longevity of a romantic interlude, it is the kiss. What we say with our kisses, as well as how they are received and understood is the basis for all the sexual conversations that they initiate. The dynamics of a great kiss are multi-layered and complex, as the moment our lips meet a cascade of neural messages and chemicals are released in the brain that transmit multiple messages of intimate connection, sexual potential and even euphoria. Indeed, when we kiss deeply, our hearts beat faster and our breathing becomes deep and irregular, mimicking the response of intense exercise.

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