Archive for the 'Fire' Category

Another Way of Leaving

Friday, March 23rd, 2012

“Most people are slow to champion love because they fear the transformation it brings into their lives. And make no mistake about it: love does take over and transform the schemes and operations of our egos in a very mighty way.”   -Aberjhani


One of the most common ways that we leave each other while staying together is to remove sex from our relationship. This is not a new topic. In recent years the concept of the Sexless marriage has made the cover of Newsweek and other major publications, which reported that as many as 15- 20% of married couples have had no sex in the last 6-12 months. While some may argue the definitions of a sexless relationship, no one is arguing the fact that our ability to show up sexually is an essential foundation for the health and wellbeing of relationships.

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Rethinking Sexual Boredom

Friday, February 24th, 2012

“Boredom is nothing but the experience of a paralysis of our productive powers.”  -Erich Fromm

Boredom is defined as the “state of being weary and restless through lack of interest.” Apply this definition to your sex life and you are suddenly in a crowd. In fact, sexual boredom is one of the most often cited reasons for cheating. The drive forces of this weariness and restlessness usually has less to do with you or your partner than it does with the nature of your partnership. There are many bestsellers currently on bookshelves promoting the idea that monogamy kills sexual passion and that sexual boredom is inevitable in long-term relationships.

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Defining Penetration

Friday, February 17th, 2012

“Penetration has a spice of divination in it, which tickles our vanity more than any other quality of the mind.” –Francois de la Rochefoucauld

Penetration is a word that is often used to describe the culminating act of sexuality. It’s a word I often use when describing the best use of good lubricant. But recently, after using the word in conjunction with the act, I began to wonder what I was actually saying.  So I went on a search, only to find that the verb “to penetrate” actually has eight different dictionary definitions. Thus, it occurred to me that the meaning you attach to the verb may well deeply influence your relationship to the sexual act.

Sadly for many people, the definition of penetration as a military force entering into enemy territory or a projectile hitting a target might well be their first association. It is not uncommon to associate sexual penetration with feelings of inadequacy, pain and even violation.  Whether from a history of sexual abuse or an inability to experience pleasure within the act, intercourse that doesn’t happen in the context of a safe, consensual space is easily interpreted as an invasion.

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Playful Presence

Friday, February 10th, 2012

“We don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.” -George Bernard Shaw


Most of us take ourselves way too seriously, especially when it comes to our relationships. The more our heart is bared and the deeper we grow in our commitments, the more we have riding on the outcome. Ironically, instead of helping us to lighten up, our most intimate relationships often push us in the opposite direction of re-thinking every comment and misinterpreting unintended meanings. This is the slippery slope that too many intimate relationships often slide down, often without seeing the downward spiral until they hit bottom. At this point, no one is having fun anymore. Intentionally adding playfulness and laughter to your partnership is such a seemingly simple fix that most people doubt its efficacy.

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Reigniting Romance with Attention

Friday, February 3rd, 2012

“The highest ecstasy is the attention at its fullest.”  -Simone Weil


The day after Valentine’s Day is one of the biggest days of the year for Ashley Madison.  Disappointment and frustration over all the ways that one feels neglected and misunderstood crystallize on this holiday of love; for many, it is the breaking point. Avoiding this critical juncture in your relationship is rarely about finding the right card or gift on Valentine’s Day.  The attention and emotional connection that is lacking in a relationship happens over time, eating away at the confidence and trust we build in each other over time. Even well-meaning gifts can feel shallow, and ironically, often exacerbate the distance and unspoken conflict. It isn’t really the gifts that do this, it is the longing for intimate connection that has to find a voice.

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The Deepest Healing of All

Friday, December 23rd, 2011

“Sex lies at the root of life, and we can never learn reverence for life until we know how to understand sex.”  -Henry Ellis

Sex scandals are us.  The news is replete with what seems an endless account of seemingly good people whose sexuality has literally transformed them into a criminal. The stories of childhood sexual abuse are deeply troubling and extend into the millions when you consider the many youths sold into the global sex trade. Yet, stories of coaches and kids in locker rooms hit an even deeper nerve because they make us question, at the deepest level, our own sexual urges. We are all caught in the conundrum of longing to experience our sexual depths, while simultaneously being terrified of whether our fantasies are normal or worse still, make us dangerous.

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Intimate Gratitude

Wednesday, November 23rd, 2011

“Sex is more than an act of pleasure, it’s the ability to be able to feel so close to a person, so connected, so comfortable that it’s almost breathtaking to the point you feel you can’t take it. And at this moment you’re a part of them.” -Unknown


There is not another single human act that so fully embodies gratitude at its peak as the moments of profound lovemaking. This is where we know most deeply the sensation of gratitude, which at its best, is not a thought, but rather a visceral response. Like joy, gratitude is a creative burst of energy that springs from us, with a single purpose, to do good in the world. As we embody this profound change agent of connectivity, gratitude cracks our heart wide open and fills us up. We are loved. We are able to love. Dare to express this intense gratitude within the confines of your bedroom the next time it is flowing with your partner and be prepared for the most gratifying sex of your life.

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The Transcendent Orgasm

Friday, October 28th, 2011

“Pleasure is the object, duty and the goal of all rational creatures.”  -Voltaire


Orgasm transforms our physical bodies into a vessel of energy. Our cellular physical boundaries fade as our bodies become the vehicle that transports us into experiences that connect us to universal energy, our spiritual source. Studies have confirmed that as many as one in twenty individuals experience a transcendent experience in orgasm. The range of experiences cited were unique and included a shift of space and time, including a sense of timelessness and vast emptiness,  a sense of electric light-filled bodies, and a transformation of self and other converging in intersecting paths of spirit and sexuality.

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Orgasmic Maturity

Friday, October 21st, 2011

“The great thing about getting older is that you don’t lose all the other ages you’ve been.”  –Madeleine L’Engle


Growing up your orgasmic potential is where the meaning of maturity gets really interesting. Befriending and relating to our erotic selves is a lifelong process that expands our relationship to pleasure and matures our access to and experience of orgasm. Like millions of other women, I learned from Betty Dodson  who was the first to describe the variety of orgasmic experiences that occur throughout our lifetime. Her groundbreaking work: Orgasms for Two, based on over thirty years of teaching, remains a classic guide for how orgasmic experience shapes us throughout our lives.

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Cultivating Arousal

Friday, October 14th, 2011

“Orgasm is what happens when the body takes over.” -Betty Dodson

Our orgasmic potential begins with our capacity and curiosity to explore our arousal mechanism. Recent studies have actually demonstrated that working with your physical arousal response can actually instigate sexual desire, rather than the reverse of waiting for desire to jumpstart arousal. This is heartening news because tapping into and enlarging our capacity for arousal is no different than developing any other physical response. Our trained attention and willingness to practice ensures development.

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