“The only thing about masturbation to be ashamed of is doing it badly.” –Sigmund Freud

If ever there were a place in life to allow our curiosity free reign, it would be in the realm of our sexual exploration. Becoming curious is a powerful antidote to both the fear and the shame that has long shadowed both the desire and experience of pleasure. Indeed, there are many sexual educators and therapists that consider the ability to self- pleasure as the cornerstone of sexual health. It’s not a stretch to consider that a large percentage of the sexual dysfunction that so many people suffer from might easily have begun with the shame and anxiety about touching oneself early in life. In fact, there is a clear correlation between the degree of guilt that early physical curiosity met and the ability to experience sexual pleasure in adult life.

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“To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead.” -Bertrand Russell

I have come to believe that much of what parades as sexual dissatisfaction between couples is actually a manifestation of fear. Most people through no fault of their own have had little education concerning their sexuality or their access to pleasure. Laden as the topic is with shame and silence, most of us literally grope towards pleasure with our eyes closed, surprised that it happened and often unaware about how create it again. There are almost as many unique pairings of pleasure, shame and guilt as there are human relationships. To look at many romantic couplings, which are often full of fiery passion at the outset but completely tepid within a couple of years, one could readily conclude that committed relationships often serve to increase sexual discomfort rather than freeing us to explore and discover our potential for sexual pleasure.

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“The greatest mistake of penetration is not to have fallen short, but to have gone too far.” -Francois de la Rochefoucald

In recent years anal sex seems to have come out of the closet with more people, both gay and straight. More and more people are asking questions and admitting to having tried and liked it than ever before. This of course begs the question, are more people talking about anal sex or actually having it? The increased comfort of talking and thinking about anal sex probably began when pornographic films started including the act in all of their features and not just their hardcore versions.

The taboo around anal sex is deep and long-standing for heterosexual couples, although the practice is documented and depicted in both Egyptian and Roman civilizations.  The discussion amongst health care providers is almost non-existent, dating back to the late 30s in the Kinsey data, in which only 9% of respondents admitted to having had anal sex. The associations between anal sex and homosexuality have long been part of the homophobic prejudice that still fills the airwaves. Not long ago, Representative Nancy Elliot from Maine made some crude remarks about the practice as a justification against same sex unions.

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“It is not the size of a man, but the size of his heart that matters.” -Evander Holyfield

The male sexual organs are a complex and well-orchestrated center of sensitivity and functionality. Unfortunately, rarely do the questions concerning this organ system evolve beyond the issue of size. The confusion between genital size and sexual satisfaction is perhaps one of the most damaging and rampant sexual myths on the planet. Teasing apart the insecurity and confidence that defines our sexual selves comes for both men and women through a maturing comfort with our bodies’ erotic instruments.

The anxiety that many, if not most, men feel about their penis size is as universal as the misconception that it is the penis that is the ringleader when it comes to sexual satisfaction and prowess. “We equate masculinity and power with penis size,” says Ira Sharlip, MD, clinical professor of urology at the University of California at San Francisco and president of the International Society for Sexual Medicine. “Of course, there’s really no relationship.” Still, Sharlip says, “all” of his patients want to increase their penis size.

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“It’s really time for us to grow up and discover our vaginas.” –Loretta Swit

For all the sexual freedoms we claim in our culture, the amount of real conversation about all things sexual is almost non-existent. Formal sex education is limited to body part naming if it exists at all; in many states kids don’t even get that. Adult entertainment content is the substitute for real sex education for most kids and even most adults. Our collective discomfort about the mystery of our sexuality is proportional to the lack of both language and meaningful conversation about our sexual selves.

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“A man who works with his hands is a laborer; a man who works with his hands and his brain is a craftsman; but a man who works with his hands and his brain and his heart is an artist.” —Louis Nizer

One of the most powerful, yet rarely considered gifts we bring to our capacity for love is right in our hands; literally. Sir Charles Bell wrote, “The human hand is so beautifully formed, its actions are so powerful, so free and yet so delicate that there is no thought of its complexity as an instrument; we use it as we draw our breath, unconsciously.” Nowhere is this perhaps more true than in the archaic, almost prehistoric manner that we often touch each other intimately.

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By Wendy Strgar

“How silver-sweet sound lovers’ tongues by night,
Like softest music to attending ears!” -William Shakespeare

Remember the hushed make-out sessions of your youth? Rarely did we allow ourselves to sound out our pleasure lest our parents would hear. For many of us, not wanting others to hear any evidence of our intimate encounters still carries some left over shame that keeps a heavy lid on our ability to experience our own pleasure decades later. After our parents, it was the neighbors, after the neighbors, it was the kids….

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By Wendy Strgar

“Sexual pleasure in woman is a kind of magic spell; it demands complete abandon.”  -Simone de Beauvoir

Driving my son and his friends in the car the other day from a basketball game I overheard the question that made me cringe decades ago: “How far did you get?” asked one to the other with an elbow to the ribs. I shouldn’t have let on that I was listening, but I felt obliged to tell them they were thinking about it all wrong.

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“When it’s over, I want to say:  All my life I was a bride married to amazement.  I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.”  -Mary Oliver

Every now and again we are given the gift of true presence. Usually it is when we are faced with the stark realization of the fragility of life: the moment of loss or the miraculous reprieve. This is when our gratitude for a moment, in this body, with this person that you love is all you need to experience deep gratitude that changes how you see. In these moments of pure presence, the small details of life fall away and the mystery of our frail human form and relationships is all that we have, and all that we ever really had.

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“The only normal people are the ones you don’t know very well.” –Joe Ancis

The first question that most of us have about our sexuality and often one that follows us through life is “Am I normal?” Throughout the short history of sexual studies, mostly what has been uncovered is that “normal” encompasses an incredibly wide range of sexual preferences and behaviors. In the most recent comprehensive study of human sexuality conducted by researchers at the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University- (think Kinsey Institute), the results from a survey of close to 6000 participants ages 14-94 confirm what we already know–that the variability of sexual behaviors in adulthood is still enormous, with more than 40 combinations of sexual activity described.

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