I am not proud of the moments when something cracks in me and I become someone I hardly recognize. The times when a powerful storm lets loose inside me without warning, remain stubbornly unpredictable. The triggers are complex; rarely can I trace them to some direct input. Rather they are reflections of the internal conflicts, which more often than not go unnamed and unattended. They are the invisible cracks in our own heart that control us in ways that are potentially damaging precisely because they are invisible. These emotional prisons define our relationships in our intimate lives as well as our careers, and they are strengthened by our ignorance. Not knowing what we want, how we feel, or where our boundaries lay makes it impossible to align our ideas of life with reality itself. Getting stuck in these deep places in ourselves turns internal conflict into a smoldering ash that can be ignited by seemingly innocent events.
Archive for the 'Newsletters' Category
I was in the liquor store yesterday, choosing between flavors of my favorite Clear Creek brandies when I went on to share my excitement about my purchase with the two 20 something guys behind the counter. I said “this stuff can really bring fire to a kiss and heat up your intimate life…” To which he responded “ I don’t have an intimate life.” His co-worker joined in the conversation adding “yeah being in love is so ten minutes ago.” “But this is the time of your life for falling in love, I argued this is what the 20s are for.” Apparently not for this generation.
It all started with a leak under my refrigerator. Then it became clear that the entire wood floor needed replacing. After my contractor arrived it was agreed that that the cabinets would look even worse than they did next to a new floor, so that was going to be my part in the kitchen rehab. Before long, the kitchen was gutted and I am working alongside my contractor sanding and refinishing. What makes guys who can fix things so sexy? Contractors have always been one of my weak points. I can’t help but fall for guys who can turn my ideas into reality so easily. It seems like the power tools are part of their hands.
My 15-year-old daughter told me that a friend was planning to try to get his first kiss when the fireworks went off last night. Talk about a romantic beginning…But even more than a romantic beginning is mastering the tools to keep intimacy vibrant long after the fireworks fade away. In light of that, I offer these five foolproof tips to get a spark to ignite and enjoy reliable, continuously improving pleasure with your heart’s desire….
Years ago at one of the last adult shows I attended my Good Clean Love booth was next to the Angels, Buck the Transman porn star and his wife Elaine author of the Piercing Bible. At first glance, this couple who was literally covered from head to toe in tattoos and piercings selling huge glass pieces and giant posters of Buck: Man with a Pussy was as foreign to me as I could imagine. I was stunned. My judgments about who they were came upon me so fast that there was not enough time to recognize them as judgments, let alone question them. I was pretty certain that I would not have much in common to connect to my neighbors. That was the beginning of my summer of gratitude project when I was learning how to access gratitude and I was asking fellow vendors for prizes for the best gratitude entries. Asking Buck and Elaine about gratitude changed everything.
Yesterday, I interviewed Neil Biderman, the founder and CEO of Ashley Madison, the online affair portal that boasts 19 million profiles in 26 countries. Every day, the business of cheating generates 26,000 new users and over $91,000. His empire, built on what isn’t working in human intimacy, is booming. Our conversation was lively; he was accustomed to the push back and articulate about the challenges of making a fortune on the devastating betrayals that his website generates. Initially, he argued that it wasn’t the desire for sex as much as a longing for passion and attention that motivated so many of his female customers to initiating affairs. Only moments later he claimed that his website was actually helpful to marriage longevity because it allowed people to stay together and have their sexual needs taken care of elsewhere.
“Virtually all hyperosmolar lubricants need to be reformulated… Normally the mucosal lining of the vagina is a good barrier to infection all by itself, but when that barrier gets compromised, all bets are off.” -Richard Cone, biophysicist Johns Hopkins
My work making personal lubricants never seemed like the answer to a national health crisis until now. As many of you know, I was inspired to start Good Clean Love to solve my own intimacy needs. The burning and itching that followed my intimacy didn’t really leave me longing for more. Developing products that made loving healthier was a personal quest more than a business idea. Along the way, I have learned quite a bit about the business side, although still really struggle to understand the greed motive that drives so many large multinational corporations to do things that people individually they would never do on their own (Monsanto is practically synonymous with environmental destruction in my mind). Even though Monsanto’s genetic engineering and planting pesticides inside of food is well known, it seems impossible to stop them.
I have never been a good quitter in life and so it is not surprising that my relationship to endings is challenging. Still, this midyear cycle is always poignantly full of them with school year endings, graduations and all of the moving on that summer invites. This year, two of my children are graduating from college and my younger kids are completing their final years of high school. I am often struck by how the last day of anything, even the things we count down towards, can catch us off guard because, while it is easy to envision moving on from an activity like classes, leaving behind the relationships within that context carries a silent loss that we often don’t recognize until it is gone.
The ability to orgasm remains one of the most coveted and yet misunderstood human experiences there is- partly because we wrongly believe that it is an experience of the genitals, when in fact our ability to climax reverberates throughout the body and initiates deep in the brain. So here I present to you a user friendly guide to the order of operations that, with a unique blend of practice and letting go will move most everybody from arousal to orgasm.
I have been working on my capacity for receiving for some time. Teaching myself the ways of opening to love and affection, learning how to sense the feel of love in my body and noticing how it lasts or dissipates with my attention. The ability to receive manifests itself in everything from our capacity for sexual pleasure to our sense of financial security. It also lives in the endless human transactions that make up our days, not only within our most intimate relationships but in the ways we meet strangers, participate in groups large and small and generally experience belonging and isolation in our lives.