Archive for the 'Sustainable Love' Category

Healing Broken Relationships

Friday, December 16th, 2011

Healing requires far more of us than just the participation of our intellectual and even our emotional resources. And it certainly demands that we do more than look backwards at the dead-end archives of our past. Healing is, by definition, taking a process of disintegration of life and transforming into a process of return to life.” -Caroline Myss

The holidays present a feast of opportunity to listen to the wisdom in your broken relationships.  Most everyone shares these, whether they be wounds from a recent divorce, a sibling or parent relationship that remains sharp with bitterness, or a persistent disconnect with your partner, which the holiday season only serves to magnify. Old hurts seem to more easily resurface in the twinkling lights of what should feel loving and we frequently walk away from our holiday exchanges feeling more alone and less connected than ever. Even the empty space of silence that lives in the broken spaces between you and the people you once loved seem to expand at this time of year.

Read the rest of this entry »

Endurance Training for Love

Friday, September 30th, 2011

Relationship Bootcamp Week 5

“Love doesn’t sit there like a stone, it has to be made, like bread; remade all of the time, made new.”  ~Ursula K. LeGuin


Almost anyone can fall in love; our biological imperative to mate kicks in opening our hearts and flooding our nervous system with the euphoric experience of idealized connection. In these early moments of love’s embrace, we experience love viscerally. Every exchange is charged with the energy of passionate recognition and the deep cellular relief of being embraced just as we are.   Everyone who has fallen out of love knows how far the fall is. It is easy to become jaded in that challenging transition to loving someone, which doesn’t have the bells and whistles of the sweet fall. Keeping love going is an endurance sport.

Read the rest of this entry »

Recovery from Infidelity

Friday, August 26th, 2011

“The cruelest lies are often told in silence.” — Robert Louis Stevenson


There is no bigger paradigm shift that a relationship experiences than in the aftermath of disclosing or discovering an affair. The betrayal cuts deep and shreds not only the trust between the couple, but often the ability to trust one’s own judgment and the agreements that we believed defined our lives. Less than a third of all couples who encounter the experience, which is more than half of all of us, actually heal the experience. Many couples never get beyond the initial crisis that the affair creates, choosing to leave the relationship with their wounds intact and the rest of the relationship in tatters.

Read the rest of this entry »

The End of Our Personal Wars

Friday, August 5th, 2011

“Marriage problems are relationship problems; they are the result of how two people interact with each other. You may abandon a troubled marriage, but you will still bring the way you interact with others along with you.” -Mark Gungor


It has been years since I have been close to a divorce; however, I have witnessed many others from a distance over the years, mostly through the vacant expressions of the kids- friends of my own children- as they recount their new living arrangements. I remember my early adolescence, mostly lost in the battlefield of my parents’ divorce. Much of my middle school years are lost to me, a salvation of memory that works to erase the anger, cruelty and unspoken pain that became my family.

Read the rest of this entry »

Relax Into Your Relationship

Friday, July 1st, 2011

There is more to life than increasing its speed.”  ~Mohandas K. Gandhi

“The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time….”  James Taylor’s voice crooned in my head.  This is a chorus that I am thankful to hear over and over again. In fact the older I get, the more that this simple truth has meaning. There really is no where that we are getting to and no arriving at a destination that defines us.  Our lives are like arrows on a trajectory of our intentions and learning to savor the moments that make up our daily experience is the foundation for loving yourself and others.

Read the rest of this entry »

Taming the Wild Mind

Friday, April 29th, 2011

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.  Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.  It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.  It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.  And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.”   ~Marianne Williamson

The single most troubling idea that we absorb growing up in the western world is that the pursuit of happiness happens out there. Most of us spend much of our lives seeking something outside of us that will make us happy. Advertising lures us to purchase fast cars and the latest high tech phone or gadget among the millions of other marketing ploys that cement in us the tragic misunderstanding that our happiness is out there somewhere waiting for us. Most of these messages confuse us even further because the happiness that is sold is a paired happiness. We believe that our relationships, like the stuff they accompany will also make us happy.

Read the rest of this entry »

The Heart of a Happy Marriage

Friday, April 15th, 2011

“The world has grown suspicious of anything that looks like a happily married life.”  -Oscar Wilde

I know my marriage is an anomaly. Happy marriages are rare.  For as much as we all long for a relationship that we can grow old in, we don’t really believe in them. I think this might be because many people confuse the early “in love” experience of relating with the ongoing effort of creating a love that works. The confusion is not unwarranted as the experience of falling in love might be the most powerfully transformative lessons our heart learns. We become a better version of ourselves as our biological urge to pair drives us and gives us new eyes to see ourselves and our loved one. This softer vision through our hearts trumps tolerance with acceptance and even allows us to imagine letting go of things we have long held dear.

Read the rest of this entry »

The Joke of Ashley Madison

Friday, April 1st, 2011

“He that jokes, confesses.”  -Italian Proverb

Indiscretion is no longer discreet. Gone are the days of clandestine meetings, sideways glances across an office or illicit gestures in a dark parking lot.  Now you can get those same thrills and more in your email box for only a $49 joining fee.  It seems too ridiculous to be true, but this is point we’ve reached- a multi-million dollar cash cow of a business that easily enables us to meet our perfect affair partner online. Read the rest of this entry »

Making Love Significant

Friday, February 18th, 2011

“Love doesn’t sit there like a stone, it has to be made, like bread; remade all of the time, made new.”  ~Ursula K. LeGuin

If ever there was an emotional state that we idealize it is love. We want nothing of its dark belly underside; we demand that it always show only its shiniest side to us. Many of us are unprepared for the battles that the heart must be willing to carry on in the name of love. We would more willingly dispose of the container and our promises of forever than have to sift through the stench of disappointment and hurts that are the products of love, as surely as are the moments of glorious connection.

Read the rest of this entry »

Re-thinking Rejection

Saturday, November 20th, 2010

“I think all great innovations are built on rejections.” -Louis Ferdinand-Celine

I was so excited to have a preliminary interview on the Oprah radio network for my trip to Chicago. This chance to share my new book in a place where so many people could learn about it seemed too good to be true. It turned out that it was too good to be true.  They rejected me- and I remembered again just how much rejection stings. It is a sticky experience too, like the super glue of negativity that has a cutting edge of self-doubt. It seeps into all the places where the residual scars of painful endings and disappointing events linger. It makes you question all of the goodness and assurance that seemed so strong in you just moments before.

Read the rest of this entry »