“If we are facing in the right direction, all we have to do is keep on walking.”  ~Buddhist Proverb

Working as I have for decades on learning how to sustain and nourish lasting relationships has brought me continuously back to the same question of how to learn to stay both in my own relationships as well as in many others that I have counseled.   Usually the question is a reflection of the viability of the relationship itself.  We look at our partner and ask if they can change or whether the relationship will improve. Generally the question is provoked when we are in the midst of painful times.  We don’t wonder about staying when things are easy and predictable. It is when things fall apart that we doubt whether the work that our relationship or other life commitments is demanding is worth it.

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“Boredom is nothing but the experience of a paralysis of our productive powers.”  -Erich Fromm

Boredom is defined as the “state of being weary and restless through lack of interest.” Apply this definition to your sex life and you are suddenly in a crowd. In fact, sexual boredom is one of the most often cited reasons for cheating. The drive forces of this weariness and restlessness usually has less to do with you or your partner than it does with the nature of your partnership. There are many bestsellers currently on bookshelves promoting the idea that monogamy kills sexual passion and that sexual boredom is inevitable in long-term relationships.

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“Penetration has a spice of divination in it, which tickles our vanity more than any other quality of the mind.” –Francois de la Rochefoucauld

Penetration is a word that is often used to describe the culminating act of sexuality. It’s a word I often use when describing the best use of good lubricant. But recently, after using the word in conjunction with the act, I began to wonder what I was actually saying.  So I went on a search, only to find that the verb “to penetrate” actually has eight different dictionary definitions. Thus, it occurred to me that the meaning you attach to the verb may well deeply influence your relationship to the sexual act.

Sadly for many people, the definition of penetration as a military force entering into enemy territory or a projectile hitting a target might well be their first association. It is not uncommon to associate sexual penetration with feelings of inadequacy, pain and even violation.  Whether from a history of sexual abuse or an inability to experience pleasure within the act, intercourse that doesn’t happen in the context of a safe, consensual space is easily interpreted as an invasion.

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“We don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.” -George Bernard Shaw

Most of us take ourselves way too seriously, especially when it comes to our relationships. The more our heart is bared and the deeper we grow in our commitments, the more we have riding on the outcome. Ironically, instead of helping us to lighten up, our most intimate relationships often push us in the opposite direction of re-thinking every comment and misinterpreting unintended meanings. This is the slippery slope that too many intimate relationships often slide down, often without seeing the downward spiral until they hit bottom. At this point, no one is having fun anymore. Intentionally adding playfulness and laughter to your partnership is such a seemingly simple fix that most people doubt its efficacy.

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“The highest ecstasy is the attention at its fullest.”  -Simone Weil

The day after Valentine’s Day is one of the biggest days of the year for Ashley Madison.  Disappointment and frustration over all the ways that one feels neglected and misunderstood crystallize on this holiday of love; for many, it is the breaking point. Avoiding this critical juncture in your relationship is rarely about finding the right card or gift on Valentine’s Day.  The attention and emotional connection that is lacking in a relationship happens over time, eating away at the confidence and trust we build in each other over time. Even well-meaning gifts can feel shallow, and ironically, often exacerbate the distance and unspoken conflict. It isn’t really the gifts that do this, it is the longing for intimate connection that has to find a voice.

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Yesterday, I posted this status on Facebook:  “For many years I have resisted selling my products in my writing, believing that it would somehow confuse the message and reduce the education about love to advertising. I am ending my silence today. For as much as I have come to understand about the relational quality of loving that makes sex true and amazing, I learned these things through Good Clean Love – our products do create real sexual healing and that’s the truth.”

This feels like starting a new chapter, or even like a change in religion. I have always been so concerned about diluting the important message of relational love that I have left my products as orphans. I never promote my work as an entrepreneur or love product connoisseur. I never talk about why we produce the kind of products we do unless I am doing a sales training. Even then, it is more about education than it is about taking the space that I have earned over the years as a green formulator of the best love products on the market.

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“I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. I love you not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me. I love you for the part of me that you bring out.” -Elizabeth Barrett Browning

We are not a happy sexual bunch. According to a recent CNN poll nearly 40 million Americans are stuck in a sexual rut, and more than 52% of us are dissatisfied with our love lives. A neglected unhealthy sex life makes relationships more vulnerable to anger and resentment and is often cited as the primary motivation for infidelity. Unfortunately, you can’t really cure an unhealthy sexual life without curing the aspects of the relationship that lead you to avoiding intimacy. I know from the thousands of people I have spoken to over the years, that malfunctioning sex lives is the result of malfunctioning relating and almost never the other way around.

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“When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.” -Helen Keller

When we end our relationships badly, we get stuck in a continuous rebound relationship cycle.  Tragically, the most common and destructive bad endings that plague millions of relationships is when we use infidelity as an exit strategy. Some sex therapists would argue that most affairs, especially when they occur in succession are nothing more than the continuous cycle of ineffective rebounding that takes over one’s relationship history. Certainly repeat marriage statistics bear this out. As dismal as our 50% fail rate is on first marriage, success rates for second marriage drops to 25% and the third relationships only have a success rate of 10%.  Failure rates in successive relationships out of marriage are no better. When we don’t authentically and definitively end our relationships, we carry what remains unresolved into everything that follows.

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“A final comfort that is small, but not cold:  The heart is the only broken instrument that works. “ ~T.E. Kalem

I wonder what is going through the mind of the man or woman as they fill out their Ashley Madison profile. What emotions dominate as one plans to cheat on one’s partner and betrays promises made?  The spike in signups after holidays like Valentine’s Day and Mother’s Day is probably a good indicator. It isn’t just the promise of some great sex that gets prospective customers to hit the payment button. In fact many say it is companionship, appreciation and recognition that are the greater fuel towards their path to indiscretion.

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“You can have no greater or lesser dominion than the one over yourself. The greatest deception men suffer is from their own opinions.” -Leonardo DaVinci

Infidelity is a topic on just about everyone’s mind at some point in their relationship. Whether it lives as a quiet fear, a desperate fantasy or a shame-filled memory, the occurrence of infidelity is so frequent and widespread that it is one of the cultural phenomena of love that holds us all. It is rare for illicit affairs to turn into the lasting relationships we envision when we begin them. The excitement and intrigue produced in the clandestine efforts for secrecy can turn mediocre sex passionate, but generally doesn’t translate well into the mundane action of making a life together. Besides that, the affair itself is often tainted with the pain it inflicts on others left in its wake. Still, the number of people who self report infidelity continues to rise, even in some unlikely relationship categories like newlyweds.

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