Day 236: Miss Positivity Quest

August 23rd, 2010

“Never mind searching for who you are. Search for the person you aspire to be.” ~Robert Brault

I have been struggling with the big changes that are happening in my work. The idea of the change, which feels light years away is taking shape and bears little resemblance to the fantasy I imagined in my head, although it fulfills all the requirements that I set for the change. I didn’t figure in the part about having to let go of the whole deal, I thought I would just get someone else to do the parts that I couldn’t manage.

I get glimmers of what it would feel like to really get out of the kitchen. Change addresses and start fresh. These are met with equally strong impulses to put my hands back on the pieces that feel like they are mine because they happened first in my imagination. I fantasize about something in between, a balanced blend of autonomy and interdependence. Like my other fantasies about how investment would look, it probably only exists in a balanced place in my mind.

Looking for a constant in any of these spaces feels like trying to hold onto sand. The more you try to wrap it in your hands, the faster the grains slip through. It is hard to get my bearings. One thing that helps is reminding myself to not take it all so seriously. Then I try to remember what I accomplished to get to this point. I want this to feel like enough, like a personal victory.

My husband noticed today that I have a penchant to slip to the painful, loss side of the change. He reminded of a moment not that many weeks ago, when all of this felt like a big embrace and that I was buoyant in the midst of the changes. My designer too, when he was listening to my observations about the changes also called me out. They both said, “Wait a minute Miss Positivity Quest….” It is all in how I look at this; I know they are right, but I can’t quite find a place to settle.

My son, who is starting high school this year, started his first daily double practice for the soccer team today. He hasn’t played soccer in a few years and knows that his long hours of basketball training only half prepares him for the grueling practices and running. He was trying to be lighthearted looking into the next two weeks, but held back a tear in his eye, thinking of the daunting work ahead. I know he has it in him, but deeply empathize with what it will take for him to find it.

That is kind of how it feels for me. I know I will be stronger and clearer on the other side of this transition, but I wish I didn’t have to go through it anyway. I wish there was the magical leap for both of us, avoiding the work and pain of creating your life. There is no going around the work of becoming yourself.

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