When I believe that I am unlovable, the world closes in. This is true for all of us. The only real opening any of us can work towards, pray for and believe in is our own inherent loveablity. For this we need only practice being loving. Most difficult, especially when things are not working is to love ourselves. I have been praying and chanting and suffering these last days, waking up anxious, praying some more about the truth of my life, the weight of my flaws, the potential I have of creating the life I dream about.
Recently, some of my old weaknesses that have plagued me for as long as I can remember have been brought to my attention again. The truth is that most of our problems live with us for a lifetime. Our flaws, the particular blend of insecurities and incapacity that mold and harden early in our life into behaviors that are probably meant to protect us, are the most challenging- both individually and in our relationships. For me, those issues happen often in larger groups. Even one on one, they sometime show up as an inability to read non-verbal cues, but in larger groups my flaws inflame, and not only am I unable to read silent cues, but my discomfort levels also make me unable to stay present and attend before my need to control the group’s direction kicks in, without my even witnessing it. It works ok when I am leading groups, in fact, it is definitely an advantage in leading. But the best leaders must also successfully participate, and here, I fall short.
This is most painful on how this flaw impacts my personal relationships. My closest relationships have all had to accommodate to work with this weakness of mine. I am not much for reading non-verbal cues. I need to be told, and even hushed sometimes. This is the positive thing I can say about any flaw, in love they become workable. With commitment, curiosity and willingness- anyone’s flaws are workable, even mine. The problem arises when we think, just by calling out someone’s weaknesses, that they will disappear- they don’t. They are the reminder of the effort and attention you need to transform and learn new behaviors. Our weaknesses, as troublesome as they can be, are deeply ingrained because of the ways they protected us.
Recently, as I have been struggling with this, I wake up throughout the night and try to meditate, chant, and pray. I am in deep doubt about my own ability to heal this flaw that keeps me from the community I so dearly want. Yesterday, I had the good sense to go to the gym, because I know how our worst fears live in our body and that above everything, I needed to sweat and feel my own strength. While there on the Precor machine, I was reading a book called Frequency and was reminded again how our prayers will always be answered. In the book, there was the spirit whispering in my ear- reminding me that the only way through any life difficulties is to find the truth of your own loveability.
According to this book, the only way to find our true home frequency, where we connect to the mysterious abundance and energy of the universe is through this home frequency where we can feel , viscerally experience our capacity to be loveable and to love. The rest is window dressing. So I came away feeling whole and strong and knowing that even with this communication flaw, my life is workable. This is the heart of positivity. This is the only gateway to making a life that is positive.